Monday, October 21, 2013

What Happens When God Doesn't Answer How You Want?

Last Tuesday, when Jon was released from the hospital, we were both so excited.  We had packed up all our belongings from the past 2 weeks, given "thank you" gifts to our nurses and doctors, hugged each therapist... We were thrilled with Jon's incredible progress and couldn't wait to integrate him back into home life.  We walked with one of his nurses to the doorway and I left them there to wait, while I ran to the car to pull it around and pick him up.  While I was on my way to the car, my phone "dinged" with a message from a friend stating what so many others had stated, and what we had been celebrating all week:  "We are SO grateful for God's incredible blessings on Jon's life!  What an answer to prayer!"  I smiled to myself in a moment of gratitude and worship, fully agreeing with this friend's note.  I hadn't  walked 2 more feet when from out of no where, I heard this voice in my head.  "Really?!?  God's blessings?  His answered prayers?  Have you forgotten your specific 3 prayer requests from day 1? Have you not realized that God has not answered your prayers?"  I literally, out loud replied with, "EW!"  LOL!  Kind of a funny response I know, but that's what I said and that's what I thought.  Ew.  Gross.  Who is this voice trying to steal my joy?  I don't want to give this voice even an inch of space in my brain.  I immediately started thinking through all the amazing things that had happened in Jon's life.  I remembered all the blessings.  It didn't take many seconds to turn my thoughts around.
But over the past several days since the parking lot, I've taken some time to consider that experience.  Choosing to not acknowledging certain parts of our journey doesn't help anyone.  If we turn a blind eye to certain aspects of our story, we lack full understanding of what God is doing, who He is and how He works.  Now, the tone of "that voice" was without a doubt evil.  (Trust me, I "heard" it.  The tone was just mean and kind of like a bully!)  But when I took a moment to not fear those thoughts, but instead to really submit them and talk about them to my Creator God, a lot of healing took place.
Here's the reality: God did not answer our prayers how we asked.  In fact, we had 3 specific prayer requests as we went into surgery.  I even blogged about them on here.  Although there were many, many risks with the surgery, there were 3 major/probable risks we prayed over.   1) Jon might have paralysis on the right side of his face. 2) Jon might lose feeling on that side of his face.  3) Jon might permanently lose hearing in his right ear.  We prayed that those things would not come to fruition.  And guess what?  To date, all 3 of those things have happened.  Jon has facial paralysis, he has lost most feeling in the right side of his face, and he has permanently lost his hearing in his right ear.  But when I paused to face the reality of those things and acknowledge them, something crazy happened.  I still felt calm.  I felt peace.  I felt grateful.  Still.  How can that be?  Friends, the blessings that Jon has experienced and the provisions God has placed on our lives are abundant.  Abundant to the point that when we consider the details of the situation, gratitude is still the emotion that rules our hearts.  We had started a list of the blessings we were experiencing, from Day 1 in the hospital.  God had given us eyes to see His goodness and we didn't want to forget even one thing He did, so we began just jotting them down.  And what's amazing, is that although this story has not gone how we prayed it would go the night before surgery, God has done IMMEASURABLY MORE than we could have even asked or thought to pray for.  Want me to give you just one little example?  Jon can taste!  We didn't know that was a risk, but after surgery, the surgeon told us it was very probable he wouldn't taste.  What a huge blessing that he can!  Huge.  God has answered prayers that we didn't even know to pray for.  He has taken care of details we didn't know were at risk.  We are SO grateful!
When I think back to our 3 specific requests, the reality is that God did indeed answer.   He always answers.  Sometimes He says, "No."  Sometimes He says, "Yes."  And sometimes He says, "Wait."  I remember my parents teaching me that as a young girl.  And here I am as an adult, having to remind myself and re-learn that God always hears His children.  We are praying that God's answers so far are, "Wait" and in the future, will be "Yes."  Only time will tell.  We are praying that Jon's facial paralysis will go away.  We are praying his face will regain full feeling.  We pray that this is the "waiting" period and that healing will come.  And as far as Jon's hearing, we do know that it is permanently gone.  When we look at the grand scheme of things, we realize that is a small price to pay.  But should we grieve that loss?  Of course.  It does alter how we live, obviously.  Big questions like, "How do we now preserve the one working ear he has for the rest of his life?"  Smaller questions like, "How do we position Jon at restaurants so he can always hear the conversations?"  To tiny questions I personally consider like, "Which side of the bed should I lie next to him on?  If I lay on his right side, he can't hear me. So I'll sleep on his left side.  But wait, if I stay laying on his right side, if he rolls toward me to talk, that 'bad side' will face down onto the pillow, so his good side will be able to engage in 'pillow talk' still."  Silly, I know.  But it's just the reality.
So why am I writing about this?  Why am I bringing to your attention that God didn't answer our prayers how we asked?  Because.... get ready.... It's OK.  No wait, it's better than OK.  And God is not just kind of good, but He's been really really extravagantly good.   Even with the loss of something so precious.  Even with the waiting time - as we pray for complete healing.  And I really wanted to post this to help war against the, "Oh, it's easy for you to say how good God is.  Look how great Jon is doing."  Yes, that is true.  But this hasn't all gone how we originally hoped it would go.  You want to know the reality?  It's gone BETTER than how we hoped it would go.  Only God could do that.  Only God could do immeasurably more than we could ask or even imagine to ask.  And so I don't have to fear the questions.  I don't have to fear the answers.  I don't have to fear the voice that tries to distract.  I can face those things head on.  And when I do, my bottom line is still my bottom line:  God has blessed us immeasurably more than we could have asked or even imagined to ask.  God has protected Jon above and beyond from what we could have known was needed.  God has blessed above and beyond what we deserve.  We are grateful.  Not because God acted like a genie that comes to grant us 3 wishes.  But He acted as a caring, personal, intimate God.  One who knows us better than we know ourselves.  One who knows what we need or don't need more than what we can comprehend.  One whose plan is FAR better than our plan could ever be.  That is who our God is.  And THAT is why we are grateful.  Still.

8 comments:

  1. To share this part as you live out loud is so important for you and for your audience! Bitterness can grow from holding disappointment in. Love and prayers as you continue your journey this side of heaven. Phillip Yancey's book Disappointment With God

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  2. Thank you for sharing your lives out loud. I especially liked your comment "God gave us the eyes to see His goodness..." and to share it with others. Praise God!

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  3. Thank you Deanna and Jon, You are still amazing in your accomplishments after your surgery. Yes the Lord has answered you with some "no's" and yet he has given you a lot of "yes's"! You are now home with your beautiful family and you are walking and talking and able to see the wonders of our world. You may not be able to hear out of one ear, so you have to train yourself to do better with what you still have! God Blesses you every day! You were able to be at the wedding and participate, and thank you Lord for healing Jon so this was possible. You are able to play with your children, to walk and talk and bring others to know Jesus! I will continue to pray for your family and your coming days, weeks and years.. Keep fighting the good fight. You are an inspiration to so many others our here..God Bless. Lillian

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  4. Thank you so much for saying this out loud. We are struggling with our daughters addiction and being in jail and all the same feelings apply. You have been praying the same that God can and will do more than we all or think

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  5. You are an amazing writer Deanna. And God is good. And I love that you make it okay to face the hard questions. Love you so much!!!

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  6. As parents we pray for our children regardless of their situation; well, I know I do. As shocking as it was to learn of Jon's tumor--- and from the conversation we had prior to surgery day at the hospital, I believed everything would be good. In my mind, I could not perceive God not getting Jon through this because prayers for Jon didn't just start three weeks ago, prayers for Jon have been prayed from when he was a little boy and most likely before that...and I trust and will continue to have faith that God's plan for Jon includes so much more yet to be done. God is amazing, His answer to prayer and His timing are perfect; and, the blessing is having Jon here. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

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  7. Amen sister. Beautiful. I love every word.

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