Sunday, October 6, 2013

Elephant in the Room

I will never forget the conversation Jon and I had yesterday.  Friends and family were gone.  Nurses and doctors had left the room.  Jon reached out as best he could and opened his hand, indicating for me to come to him.  I walked over and put my hand into his.  He pulled me close to him and locked eyes with me.  "Is there an elephant in the room?"  He asked.  I didn't know if he was asking literally or metaphorically - as just 2 days before, he had thought the room was rotated on its side for about 5 hours, due to the crazy drugs he was on.  LOL!  I asked him what he meant.  He looked at me with a hint of both intensity and fear and said, "Is there something you know that I don't know?  Is there something everyone knows that you haven't told me?"  I knew this moment would be coming.  We had discussed it before he went into surgery.  The risks, the possible side effects... I asked him what he wanted to know and he said, "I want to know everything."  And so I began to talk him through the details of his situation.  Truthfully, I had told him everything... except the details of his face.  I explained that there was weakness in the right side of his face and walked through each feature.  The right side of his mouth felt like it had Novocain in it, so he said knew something was different there. I told him about his eyebrow not moving up or down and then that his eye was blinking at a little slower pace than his other one.  He could feel that.  We talked about the fact that there are incredible stories of facial nerves restoring, even after paralysis occurs.  We talked about the fact that he is getting stronger and stronger every day. There was hope.  And at the end, he said, "Is that it?  Anything else?" "Nope," I said.  "That's it."  I offered him a mirror, but he declined.   Baby steps.

However, just a few hours later, when the nurse wanted him to put eyedrops in, I handed him my little mirror to help him see.  He looked in it and paused, as he realized he hadn't seen himself in the mirror yet.  He took about a minute examining his face and testing his facial muscles.  He then looked at me and said, "Wow.  I'm a different person."  I kissed his forehead.  "No, you're not a different person.  You are the same person you've always been." I said.  He thought quietly for a moment and then said to me that he knows he looks different.... but it was OK.

It's OK.

Funny that he chose to use that phrase.  You see, the night before the surgery, in a moment of extreme vulnerability, we cried together as we discussed the possible outcomes of the surgery.  If facial paralysis was one of them, I told him I of course would love him just the same, our family would be the same family.  It didn't matter.  It's OK!  He looked at me and said very weakly, "What is 'OK'?  When you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, is that OK?  Or do you brush your hair and fix some things up, and then you're OK?  There is nothing I'll be able to do.  Is that the new OK?"

And yet here he was, just 48 hours later, looking truth in the mirror and saying it is OK.
Truly.
OK.
Friends, my husband is more than OK.  He is ridiculously handsome.  He was handsome the day I laid eyes on him, the day I walked down the isle to him, the day he became a dad for the first time (and the 4th time) and the day he rolled out of the Operating Room for brain surgery.  He has a depth in his spirit that draws people in.  He has a warmth and kindness to him that makes you want to be a better person.  He loves Jesus with a faith that brings calmness to any storm.  He is more than OK.

But Jon knows he's OK because he lives his life by a different playbook.  What makes you happy?  What makes you feel fulfilled?  Is it money?  Stuff?  Good looks?  A job promotion?  Jon is so confident in what God's word says about where our value should and should not be.  When it boils down to it, none of the stuff matters.  In a fire, it all burns.  You, me, the toys, the trophies.  Gone.  The only thing that has value - eternal value - are things like hope, peace, love, grace, kindness, generosity, compassion, gratitude, etc.. etc.. etc.  And ultimately, a life after God's own heart.  Which is truly what Jon has.  In situations like this, the core of who someone is, is revealed.  You just can't BS your way through these types of ordeals.  We're 3 days in and Jon has rocked my world with who he is.  Like, the deep down stuff.  What he oozes when everyone is there and also when one is looking.  He is made of the good stuff.  The stuff that is MORE than OK.

Ultimately, of course our hope is that the weakness in his face is temporary.  Our hope is that he will be fully restored to what he was before.  Any physical change for any person would be difficult.  But honestly, I don't fear the outcome as much as I did before Jon asked about the elephant.  Somehow, some way, HE has led ME in this process.  He, with tubes hooked up to him, 3 IVs in his body, weakness in his whole left side, an incision in his skull... ya, that guy.  That guy is leading me.  To trust.  To care about deeper things.  To submit to a sovereign God.  Will it always be easy for me? No. Will it always be easy for him?  No.  But emotions don't rule our hearts.  Truth does.  And the Truth is that there are NO elephants when you live out loud.  And because of the grace of God, we will be MORE than OK.




21 comments:

  1. Taking deep breaths and taking in each word... thank you Jon... thank you Deanna! To HIM be the glory and honor and power forever!

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  2. Thank you for sharing. I am so moved. Truth and grace fill these words. It was such a blessing to connect last weekend. I've been following and praying.

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  3. Thank you for sharing! You blessed my heart as I'm sure you're blessing so many others too. "May the blessing return to you 100 fold."
    ~ Kris Rocha (friend of Kim Scott)

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  4. It is so good to hear both of you able to talk and tell the truth about this new chapter in your lives! You are beautiful from the inside out and still have so many moments to remember.You are blessed to have each other .It's OK. Wonderful to hear that little phrase again. Still praying for all to improve, I was amazed to see you walking the hall with your Superman hat! God Bless and know we care..

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  5. Blessed by your journey. Praying for your path. I am a Friend of Rebecca G's.

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  6. Wow. What an amazing testimony to God's faithfulness, grace, and love. I'm moved by your trust in His truth and his promises. Thank you for modeling living out loud and Godly vulnerability in community.
    Stephen (Friend of Jaime Zavala and Eric Shouse)

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  7. I'm so proud of both of you. I know that's probably a weird thing to say, but it's true. Thank you for your strong testimony of faith in the sovereignty of Jesus, and for loving each other for all of us to see. We're still praying, and we love you!

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  8. I would not wish these days and events on my worst enemy, if I had one, much less dear friends about whom I care so much. Yet it's inescapable how true, deep adversity has the power, if we allow it, to fire our hearts to truer, deeper humility and love. I mourn with you whatever losses are sustained through this terrible season, but I also rejoice with you for all that is gained.

    ~Aly

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  9. I feel privileged to be following your family on this journey. Thank you for living out loud and sharing each step of faith you all share. I pray for you all daily, at least once. I attend Grace Church (just over a year now) which is how I find out about your journey. "Do not be afraid, for I am here. Do not be anxious for I am your God and will strengthen and help you and uphold you with my Righteous Right Hand". Is 41:10

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  10. On Thursday night, John was reading your update out loud and when he read about the weakness in Jon's right side, my immediate thought was: Jon would totally rock a cool, crooked smile. And he would still smile all the time. And he would tell everyone about his cool, crooked smile and how he got it. His faith. His amazing wife. The faithfulness of our merciful God. And the world around him would be changed because of it.
    Yup - all that.
    Keep writing - it is doing much good in many ways!
    XO ~ Erin

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  11. Beautiful. Beautiful in the truest way. Just beautiful. You. Him. Our God.
    Big hugs and big prayers,
    Christy

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  12. Deanna thank you for your honesty and courage to let so many in your life, especially during such a personal time. I am so blessed to be able to pray for you and your family. God has been so gracious to give you and Jon hearts that are full of a love that overflows out to so many! Our family is believing for a great miracle for you!

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  13. Deanna your story is painful to read, yet so full of hope it is hard to feel sad! Your unwavering faith in most-likely your greatest trial to date is an inspiration to many. Lets just add to the fact that your are a gifted writer...perhaps for such a time as this. Happy to know you:)

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  14. Deanna you may not remember me from South Valley but my husband also had a tumor removed and is deaf and paralyzed on the left side of his face...it has been almost 20 years since that day that I too sat in a waiting room for 12 hours while Neurosurgeons worked tirelessly to remove the tumor. It will get better it does get better and Jon will get better! Praying for your family!
    Andrea Staton

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  15. Tears in Houston. You are leading all of us as well.

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  16. Wow, your strength and honesty are a true blessing. We will continue to pray for you, John, and your precious family.

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  17. Love your living out loud and hope it's ok to have some questions..... Like.. has he always had head aches..? are they testing for cancer, "the tumor".. or where they able to run that through already, How long have they said he'll be in the hospital?.. thank you.. and still at awe of our Lord.. praying for the most sweet time with kids visiting, Bless you all, Kathy Smalley Dalton

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  18. You BOTH are remarkable and inspiring. Praying, continually praying...

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  19. Deanna; Thank you so much for your transparency - you know me. That's how I roll too! It has been so good for all of us to see and hear this entire process. We are praying for a total recovery for Jon. He is going to have such a great testimony due to all of this - a testimony of our God and His healing power and His love for His children. We love you guys and are continually praying <3

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  20. with every update my sister has sent from facebook or i have read on this blog, i admire your strength more and more and am so encouraged by your faith in the Lord.

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  21. So good! Praise God. We see God's glory in your posts. Keep writing!

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