Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Jon's Latest MRI Results...

Well, we just walked out of our appointment with Jon's neurosurgeon to go over the results of the MRI.  Can I just say how grateful I am for the sovereignty of God?  Jon had fears associated with both possible outcomes of this test and yet we are completely dependent on God and His perfect will for Jon's life.

The MRI results showed NO major growth in Jon's tumor!  There was a possible minor change in the base of the tumor, but not enough to be worried or take action at this point.  The neurosurgeon said, and I quote, "If you are brave, we could drill back into the skull and do another 12 hour surgery and try to remove more of the tumor.  Only if you're feeling brave."  (It was a bit tongue in cheek) ;)  We told him we are NOT feeling that brave.  ;)

He did recommend doing a panel of blood work to help navigate through some of Jon's symptoms.

The bottom line is that Jon's fear of them "finding nothing and having this just be his new normal" may just be reality.  We were able to chat with another brain tumor survivor who said she experiences the same symptoms that Jon does.. and she's about 2 years further along on her journey than Jon.  Hm.  I know typically that should make someone feel better.  "Normal" at least.  But to Jon, it's scary.  It makes him feel trapped.  As we stood in the parking lot after his appointment, Jon admitted he walked into the appointment feeling "open handed" and walked out feeling burdened.  And trust me, we can throw scripture and God's goodness all over this situation.  It's not that.  It's just the human-ness wanting to be well.  Fully well.  No symptoms.  Nothing holding any parts of him back.  A thriving body.  We still fight to navigate the space between considering this our "new normal" or "hoping this is a temporary 'new normal' - until he is fully healed."  But what if this is just the "new normal?"  Like, period.  What if these symptoms of him "not feeling well" are actually the new normal of what he should now be calling, "feeling well" in his new state?  Ugh.

I paused writing this to call Jon and said he was on a walk.  He said, "I feel like I just took a nose dive."  So he's walking.  And praying.  And surrendering.  Once again.

This should be a REALLY HAPPY post.  And it is.  There was no new growth!  (insert happy dance, right?!)  But in an attempt to "live out loud" and walk this road openly and honestly, I share with you the messy stuff too.  The complicated, confusing, battle ground pains.  Thank you for covering us with grace on the journey.

I started this post by worshiping God for His sovereignty.  And that's where I want to wrap it up, too.
It's the beauty of trusting in and having relationship with a perfect God.  We declare who He is.  We give Him our junk.  And then we rest in who He is.   Lather. Rinse. Repeat.  Sometimes several times a day.  We remind ourselves of who He is.  We bring our brokenness, hurts, desires, hopes, EVERYTHING to Him.  And then we exhale into His arms.

Thank you for praying. Thank you for loving.
We are grateful to be journeying alongside such gracious, patient warriors.