Shame.

I had the privilege of spending this past weekend up at Hume Lake Christian Camps, leading worship for their Mother/Daughter retreat.  People came from all different cities and different churches and different backgrounds for a weekend away with their loved ones and with God.  

A highlight of the weekend was on Saturday night when we all gathered at Victory Circle - an outdoor amphitheater where you sit in a huge round circle, with a fire pit in the middle.  There were about 300 women at this retreat - all moms and daughters ranging in age from 7 - 87.  As we sat around the campfire,  the women were invited to stand up and share with the group one thing that God had impressed upon their hearts during the weekend.  What was one "take-away" you had?  What was one thing you heard or learned or experienced that changed you?  It was a beautiful time as women of all ages began to stand up and share how God had revealed Himself in a new/deeper way to them over the weekend.  There were lots of tears.  And lots of women listening, nodding their heads, and thinking, "Me too."  As I sat and listened, I couldn't help but see there was a common thread through much of what was shared.  
  
"I realized this weekend that God loves me, regardless of my past."  
"I realized that there is nothing I could ever do to make God love me less."  
"I learned that God's grace is greater than my sin."
"I realized that no matter what, God loves me."

Over and over again.  Statements of the beautiful Truth that God's love knows no end.  That His grace covers all.  New realizations.  Said through tears.  Tears of relief and gratitude.  Tears that seemed to release the pent up shame they had been weighed down by for years.  

Shame.  

Reader, I don't know your religious background.   I don't know what you think of Jesus.  Or who you believe God to be.  But I want you to know that if you were to read the Bible and get to know the God of the Bible, you would find this beautiful story of God Himself coming here as Jesus.  And the life of Jesus reveals to us who God is, what His heart is, and how we should live.  And if you study the life of Jesus, you will find that Jesus never, I mean NEVER shamed people.  Ever.  The adulterous woman brought to him?  John 8 says his response to her being caught "in the act" was, "I do not condemn you...go and sin no more. "  In fact, not only does he not shame people, but Hebrews 12:2 says he despised shame.  His grace doesn't just overcome shame.  His grace despises shame.  

John Piper describes it beautifully as he imagines Jesus on the cross:

Jesus spoke to shame like this:

“Listen to me, Shame, do you see that joy in front of me? Compared to that, you are less than nothing. You are not worth comparing to that! I despise you. You think you have power. Compared to the joy before me, you have none. Joy. Joy. Joy. That is my power! Not you, Shame. You are worthless. You are powerless.

You think you can distract me. I won’t even look at you. I have a joy set before me. Why would I look at you? You are ugly and despicable. And you are almost finished. You cover me now as with a shroud. Before you can say, ‘So there!’ I will throw you off like a filthy rag. I will put on my royal robe.

You think you are great, because even last night you made my disciples run away. You are a fool, Shame. You are a despicable fool. That abandonment, that loneliness, this cross — these tools of yours — they are all my sacred suffering, and will save my disciples, not destroy them. You are a fool. Your filthy hands fulfill holy prophecy.

Farewell, Shame. It is finished.”

HA!  How awesome is that?
So if Jesus gave up his life to offer us forgiveness of sins, and He himself despises shame, why in the world do so many of us live with shame?

Here's what we are to do:

1. Acknowledge God's intimate love for you and His sacrifice on the cross for your sins.  (sin just means the ways we mess up.  Meaning, everyone.  Cuz if you think you've never messed up, then you just did by thinking that.  BOOM.)  ;)  
2. Confess your sins to God and accept His gift of grace.  (to the God who loves you (His creation) and offers forgiveness from all your mess ups.  Yes, All of them.  Yes, even that one.)
3. Live in freedom.  Live as a follower of Jesus.  Live your life free to love extravagantly.  Free to offer grace just like you've received.  Live your life free from the weight of any and all shame.  

Once we receive God's gift of grace, our sin is forgiven.  Done with.  Want to know just how "forgiven and done with" it is?  Psalm 103:12 says, "He has removed our sins from us as far as the east is from the west." So basically, our sin is taken as far away from us as possible.  That. Is. Awesome.  

So here's why I'm writing this:  Many people live in shame, thinking it's just a part of life.  Like, if you mess up, even if you stop and change your ways.... even if you confess it to God... even if you know that God has forgiven you... that shame is still just a part of life.  That shame is just a natural consequence.  But God's Word says otherwise.  Jesus' life says otherwise.  

Let's say you have something in your past and you've done #1 & #2 (above)... 

*If you still feel shame or hear a voice in your head that shames you, that is NOT God.  
*If you feel shamed by someone in your life, do not give that person's voice more weight than God's.  Let God's voice rule your heart.
*If you feel shamed by your church, find a new church.  No really.  I'm serious.  Find a new church.  If Jesus despised shame and your church dishes it out, you're in the wrong church.  

Our world desperately needs to see and experience Jesus.  When we live our lives burdened by shame, we give our world an inaccurate picture of God's love and grace.  We show them a watered down, powerless version.  
By living in freedom, we join Jesus in despising shame.  We join Jesus in being grace givers.  We heal and we become healers to the world around us.  

Dear shame,  
We are done with you.
You have no power over us.
Love,
God's loved, forgiven and free children.
P.S. I mean it this time.
P.P.S. You're dumb. 

Hoag Hospital Results, Neuro Appointments, and Our Short Term Plan...

We've had a lot going in the Ramsay household...

On Thursday, Jon and I flew to Denver to sing at a conference called Convene, which was a CEO Summit.  Convene is a group for CEO's and business owners and Jon and I were flown out to lead worship for the conference.  This was a milestone event for Jon, as this was the first time Jon had led worship since his surgery 7 months ago.  This was the first time he was going to brave the stage with his guitar.  Jon manually closes his eye with his hand, so the idea of using both of his hands to play guitar and lead worship, was a scary and risky thing.  What if his eye hurt? What if he needed to use his hand to close it?  He bought special glasses similar to the sunglasses he wears, which have a foam lining to protect the eye from wind and debris.  These new glasses have clear glass so he can wear them indoors while still receiving protection from a draft in the room if the A/C is on etc..  He did need to use those glasses, but not while on stage.  While we were on stage, Jon said he felt no eye pain. Praise God!  Jon did a great job leading, sharing, singing and playing.  It was just the 2 of us (no band) so it was a great time for Jon to put his toes in the water again.  :)  I was so proud of him!  He came home so physically exhausted, which our Neurosurgeon said was to be expected since his brain is still recovering from surgery.  (and his brain will be "recovering" for 36 months!  Wow..)  Anyway, it was a great trip and an honor to be a part of such an incredible group/event!

Also on Thursday, after arriving in Denver, we got a phone call from Haog Hospital.  Thursday was the day the Neurosurgeons were gathering for a Board Meeting and were using Jon's file/MRI etc.. as their Case Study.  They reviewed Jon's case, his surgery notes, his latest MRI, etc.. and came up with a course of action they would recommend as a board.  We are so grateful for the time they took to review it and for the time they took to call us and brief us on the meeting.  Unfortunately, their bottom line wasn't what we had hoped to hear.  Basically, they called to say that they recommend that Jon starts Radiation now.  We were hoping they would say Jon didn't need it - at least not yet.  Radiation on the brain is not something we want to enter lightly or without absolute necessity.  We continued to pray for wisdom.

We flew home Saturday night and then on Monday afternoon (yesterday) we met with our Neurosurgeon to discuss everything that had happened since we saw him last, 3 weeks ago.  We hadn't had Radiation like he had recommended.  We had gone to USC for a 2nd opinion.  We had heard from Hoag Hospital for a 3rd opinion.   Our neurosurgeon was very gracious and humble - one of the things we have always loved about him.  He fully understood and supported our decision to get other opinions.  He was quite impressed that we had gotten in to see Dr. Giannatta at USC and agreed that Dr. Giannatta is the most well respected in this field.   Our doctor listened to our concerns and our ideas.  By the end of the appointment we had agreed on a plan that we all felt comfortable with, based on all of the data we have received: We will wait and observe.  For 7 more weeks, we will wait.  By the end of next month, it will have been 3 months since Jon's last MRI.  Jon would typically wait 6 months between MRIs, but because of how fast Jon's tumor appears to be growing, 3 months is as long as everyone is comfortable waiting.  By waiting, we get to double check his tumor growth after another 3 months.   If Radiation is at stake, we want to really see if it continues to grow at the fast rate it appears to have grown the past 6 months.  Just to be sure.  Since the tumor isn't at the size where it's pushing on Jon's brain again yet, we can safely wait these extra few weeks without serious risk.  (it can grow about 1.5 more centimeters before we're in hot waters with it causing big problems)  These extra weeks will also 'buy' us more time to research Radiation options.  Jon and I feel really good about this decision to be patient and conservative in our approach.

Our Neurosurgeon also gave Jon a prescription for numbing eye drops.  Jon's eye pain has been the biggest source of his discomfort since surgery, so we are open to anything.  The Dr is not certain this will help or work at all, but said it can't hurt to try.  We drove straight from the Dr to the Pharmacy.  :)

So that's the latest from the Ramsays.
Wait.
7 more weeks of waiting.
In the meantime, we will go back in a few weeks to Dr. Levine in LA for another eye appointment and to have Jon's contact changed, etc..  We are trying as best we can to wait on doing any eye surgeries, but time will tell if that will be possible.  Jon's eye pain will determine that timeline.

Thank you for your continued prayers.  Prayers for wisdom, discernment, healing, patience... we need it all.  Bless you for being here with us.  Still.

A Little Note from Jon on His Birthday....

Jon posted this picture and the note below on his Facebook page yesterday - his birthday.
I wanted to make sure all those reading the blog got to see it too.
My husband is my hero.

Redemption is connected to our brokenness. Everyday I fight the urge to hide. Hide my smile. Hide my brokenness. But hiding yields no impact. Courage is a decision and courage yields great rewards.
Courage has the power to change the world.
Today, choose to come out of the shadows and be fearless. Share your life. Give it away. Love with abandon. Risk humility. Chose life.
#thatswhatjesusdid
#tryingtodothesame

A Little Medical Update...

Today was a LONG day.  Today was the day we went to see a new specialist in Beverly Hills regarding Jon's eye.  We pulled out of our driveway at 8:30am and pulled back in at 7:30pm.  Jon lives with daily eye pain that we know is largely due to the fact that he cannot blink.  Because his eye cannot close, it dries out, stings, or as he describes it, "Feels like an ice pick in my eye."  Since we are not fans of ice picks in our eyes, we have been trying to find a remedy for this issue.  As we have found with every area of science/medicine.... everyone has their own opinion and recommendation.  One doctor recommended Jon have a gold weight put in his eyelid to help his eye blink.  Another doctor said that the gold weight will be successful during the day, but gravity won't work in his favor while he's laying down to sleep.  So another doctor recommended a Tarsorrpaphy which is a procedure in which they stitch the eye partially closed.  This allows the eye to blink fairly well, but also protects the eye (specifically the cornea) from particles in the air etc...  Yet other doctors find the Tarsorraphy to be an outdated procedure.  The doctor we saw today does a special procedure where they would put a Spring around Jon's eye. Similar to the end of a safety pin, there is a part of the spring that goes on the top eyelid, coils around the corner of the eye, and then a part of the spring that goes along the bottom lid.  When this method is used with the 3rd nerve in the brain (the "eye opening muscle" - which was not injured during surgery), the eye is able to open and close.  The doctor we saw today is known for creating this Spring method.  We found out today that he didn't actually create it, but he was the one to perfect it.  ;)  Until recently, he was actually 1 of 2 doctors in the world who does this procedure!  (the other one is in Paris)  He did recently train the staff at Harvard, so now you can only get this procedure done in Paris, at Harvard, or with our Dr in Beverly Hills.  I'm not sure if that's cool or weird.  ;)  He has done the surgery over 1000 times, so that is a great thing - and he was recommended to us by the head of Neurosurgery at USC.  Anyway, after hearing about the procedure (which does have its own set of side effects), we decided it is a great option, but we want to wait on this particular procedure a little longer.  Jon is 7 months post-op, and although the procedure can be reversed if needed, we think it is a little invasive to do this early on.  We want to give Jon's facial nerve plenty of time and space to heal - so we would want to wait at least 12-18 months post-op before doing this surgery if we can.  Time will tell.

In the meantime, we are looking into a few "stepping stone" procedures/methods to help get Jon some relief from the pain while we give his body/face/nerves time to heal.  Jon was fitted with a special "contact lens" today that was put in his eye and will stay there until his next appointment in 1 month.  This type of contact lens is used to help protect Jon's eye/cornea and also to help keep moisture in.  The doctor is hoping this will help alleviate some of Jon's pain.  Unfortunately, this contact has only been in Jon's eye for about 6 hours and he is going nuts - in so much pain and it is very uncomfortable for him because he can feel it, etc..  Not many know this about Jon, but he has a "thing" with his eyes.  He was bit by a dog near his eye at a very young age, so he has had a life long "issue" with anything going near his eyes.  I've never been able to brush an eyelash off of his cheek or anything.  When the nurses wanted to put eyedrops in his eye in ICU, he batted them away.  Not on purpose, but just his reflexes kicked in.  So as you can imagine, this whole eye issue has been THE WORST thing for him.  Of all the things in the world that could have happened to him, this is the one part of the body that he is squeamish about and of course, the one thing now causing him the most trouble.  I'm not certain Jon will be able to keep the contact in for the full 30 days.  If you know Jon, you know he will sure try!  But it's going to be difficult for him.  Would you pray that the contact will "settle in" and won't bother him?  And that he will in fact find relief from the pain with it in?

If that doesn't work, we will start the surgeries.  First will be a surgery to put a plastic piece underneath the eye, above the cheekbone.  Underneath Jon's eye - his bottom eyelid (whatever you call that) is sagging, which makes blinking an issue.  The doctor thinks that by raising that part of the under-eye, it will help his eyelids to meet easier.  We also might have the gold weight put in at the same time, if we do that surgery.  The gold weight seems like a good "stepping stone" toward the Spring.

Honestly, the reality is we don't know for sure what we'll do or not do.  We shall see.  It was a lot of information to take in today.  It's one step at a time and right now, the contact lens is our "step."  We are also trying to buy some time to get us to September, which is when our "Open Enrollment" is and we'll hopefully be able to switch to a PPO.  Oh the details... So many details....

While I am updating with medical stuff, allow me to share some more news!

We have a friend we met via Jackson's baseball team this season.  She works at Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach and offered to take Jon's MRI scans to work and see if she could get someone to look at them for a 3rd opinion for us.  (in regard to the tumor re-growth and what course of action to take...)  We just found out that all of the Neuros at Hoag are meeting for a special Board gathering and they have decided to use Jon's case as an official "Case Study" that they will present and work on THIS THURSDAY!  They will look at Jon's notes, study all the details of what has happened with him to-date, and then decide on what course of action they would recommend!  What an amazing gift to have so many brilliant minds looking at Jon's case and offering their wisdom.  We are SO grateful!

Well I think that's it for now.  It's almost midnight after a very long day, so I'm not sure any of this made sense.  I'm not even positive I made one complete sentence.  But I wanted to at least try to get some of the updated info out there.  Because you have prayed.  And we are grateful!

Love you all.....
Goodnight!!!

Happy Birthday, Jon...

I have watched Jon in a season of abundance.
I have watched him in a season of need.
I have watched Jon in a season of adventure.
I have watched him in a season of desperation.
I have watched Jon in a season of testing.
I have watched him in a season of loss.
I have watched Jon in a season of blessings.
I have watched him in a season of uncertainty.
I have watched Jon in a season of want.
I have watched him in a season of contentment.

I have had a front row seat in his life and also a backstage pass.
I have seen him in public.
I have seen him in private.

There is brokenness and faithfulness.
Together.  Brokenness and faithfulness.
It is beautiful.
Not perfect.  Beautiful.

Happy Birthday to the man I call
my husband
my friend
my partner
my lover
my confidant
my good and perfect gift.

It is my joy to celebrate you today.

Just Show Up...

I have a friend named Michelle that I met when our oldest kids entered Kindergarten.  She's fun and thoughtful and kind.  But best of all, Michelle shows up.  You have a need?  Michelle shows up.  You are in a jam?  Michelle shows up.  I recently had 2 babies throwing up at the same exact minute and a husband who wasn't home.  Michelle showed up at my doorstep with Starbucks, a muffin and 3 bananas.  :)  Michelle's dear friend has a husband in the hospital at UCLA with Leukemia.  Michelle drives there at least once a week, whether she's invited or not.  Her motto?  Just Show Up.  She offers to grocery shop or babysit or pour a glass of wine.  :)  She doesn't wait to be invited or for her visit to be approved.  She just comes and serves.

I remember my dear friend Jen showing up when Jon was admitted to the hospital.  I told her not to come.  What could she possibly do?  There was nothing to do.  But she came.  And I look back and realize I could not have done it without her.

My dad was at the hospital (driving from SD) before I even got there after jetting home to gather Jon's things.

I remember my dear friends Brian and Yvonne showing up.  Driving from Fresno with no warning and appearing in Jon's room in ICU.  Their presence screamed of their love for us.

Two weeks ago, I got a text from a long time friend who lives up near Sacramento.  My friend Rissa asked if there was an evening this week that she and her hubby Ryan could take us out to dinner.  I was SO excited that apparently they were going to be in our area for the week and were able to carve out a night to spend with us.  We settled on Thursday night at 6pm.  Thursday afternoon, I texted Riss to tell her I was literally counting the minutes until I got to see her.  She texted back that she was so excited too, and said something about LA traffic etc..  Well that's fun, I thought.  I knew they were staying at a hotel in south Orange County, so I figured they must have driven into LA for the day to do something fun.  When I asked her where they were, she said they had driven from Oakdale all day.  What!??  I was so confused.  These are the texts that followed:

My heart about stopped.  I got emotional.  Jon and I are so not worthy of someone making a drive like that JUST for dinner.  We are so not worthy of them having to farm out their 4 kids for 2 days on our behalf.  I could not believe it.

When they arrived at our home, they shared with us how their extended family had covered their expenses and sent them down with the task of treating us to a nice dinner out.  We were floored.  At the end of the night, as it was pushing midnight, my heart was full.  Fuller than full.  Overflowing.  Their presence was such a gift.  We are known by them.  Like, newlywed, 24 year old, pre-kids, hang out every day of the week kind of "known" by them.  So spending time with them is like a refreshing drink of cool water.  It is warm and fuzzy.  The conversation is real and heavy and hilarious and full of All the Good ingredients.  At the end of the night as we hugged the longest of hugs, Rissa said, "We didn't know if you still thought of us as Your People.  We know you have people.  We haven't seen you in so many years.  But we just had to come."

That statement SO resonated with me.  I often hold back from "showing up," out of fear that maybe I'm not someone's "people."  I fear that they have others that they are closer to.  Others that should be there instead of me.  Will they think it's weird that I'm here?  Will they think it's random that I'm emailing? That I'm calling?  That I drove this far?  Fear.  Insecurity.  Etc. Etc. Etc.

Ryan and Rissa showed up.  They ARE our people.  Of course.  But over the past 6 months, we have had so many people, near and far, who have loved on us.  Who have shown up.  Who have been extravagant in their expression of "showing up."  People who we know very well. And people we had never even previously met.  Strangers have prayed for us, strangers have made our kids blankets.  Friends from long ago have sent cards and gifts.  College friend's kids are praying for us every night.  Church staffs we've never even been a part of are praying.  People have dropped off a meal, while introducing themselves for the first time.  Other friends we see regularly and have not grown weary in showing up.  My community group just recently started back up providing a couple of meals a week.  They didn't ask permission.  They just began serving when our stress level began to rise again.

I have lived too much of my life playing it "relationally safe."  Am I invited?  Do they want me?  I would love to surprise them with a coffee/treat/gift, but what if it's the wrong kind?  What if they think it's lame?  Fear and insecurity hold me back.  That's so embarrassing.  I desire to serve others with freedom.

Serve.  The key word through this all is "Serve."  Ryan and Rissa didn't come and dominate our lives and our time for the evening with their agenda.  They graciously kept saying that they can give us a quick hug or they can hang out all night.  They didn't want to intrude.  When Jen came to the hospital, she did all the "lame" stuff.  She shlepped our bags from ICU to the Stroke Ward.  She ran errands.  My friend Lindsey has taken our kids on several occasions.  Talk about a labor love.  So often, I want to show up and get involved how I want to.  I want to help out in the ways that are easy and fun and convenient.  However, the beauty is found when we come and serve where the need is.  When we show up to fill in the gaps.  Whatever those may be.  My Mother-in-Law has been the most beautiful expression of this. She comes and babysits for doctors appointments and everything in between.  She doesn't look for the most glamorous role.  She looks for the most needed one.

I gotta be honest.  This post is more for me than it is for you.  I just have been so struck by the selflessness of people.  I've been so struck by the sacrificial giving.  I've been so struck by the gift of people serving us.  Still.

This is a Call to myself.  To remember.  To identify.  And to act.
To not second guess.  To not be insecure.  But just to love.  And love extravagantly.
And in the words of my friend Michelle, to Just Show Up.

Our Day at USC.....

Hello Friends and Prayer Partners.

I am SO sorry for the late night update.  We have been processing...

We met with Dr. Giannatta at USC today.  Dr. Giannatta is a world renowned neurosurgeon and we were thrilled be seen by him.  He is quite strong and opinionated and "confident" ;) .... and rightly so.  He's supposed to be "the best."

Anyway, THANK YOU for praying.  It was an honor to get his expertise and opinion on everything.

Here is what he thinks:

His opinion is that we can wait a bit on doing Radiation.  He said the tumor is not pushing on the brain yet, so it's not at the dangerous size yet or causing damage.  Since we are hoping Jon's facial nerve will restore, he thinks it's best not to do Radiation there, while we give it time to heal.  (the tumor is wrapped around his facial nerve)  He said even if the tumor grows a bit more, that's OK for now.  If it reaches a size where it's pushing on the brain again, then we'll start Radiation or do a 2nd surgery.  It's a very conservative approach, which we appreciate.  It's of course also a little scary and confusing though, when our first neurosurgeon believes Jon should start radiation immediately.  Don't you wish science was more black and white?  :)

He also recommended Jon cancel his May 8th eye surgery. (The one where Jon was going to have his eye stitched partly closed)  He recommended going to this world renowned specialist in LA who can do a different and better surgery.  Of course this surgeon isn't covered by our insurance, but as Dr. Giannatta said to us in our appointment, "You screwed yourselves over when you signed up for an HMO, so here we are.  You're paying cash to see me.  And you'll pay cash to see him."  (Did I mention he's quite strong, opinionated and "confident"?) ;)

We were able to ask a ton of questions and get his insights on a lot of different things.  We are so grateful for that.
We end our day today feeling thankful, tired, and maybe a tad confused.

We have decided our next course of action will be to seek another 2nd (and hopefully last) opinion.  Since each doctor had such a different course of action, the weight of just choosing one and 'hoping' it is the right one is just too great.  We had been encouraged to get 2 or 3 opinions before taking action and we feel like that is the wise thing to do.

We also feel really good about canceling the May 8th surgery.  Jon's eye has been a huge source of pain and I feel like we shouldn't settle for anything but the best when it comes to that issue.  I think we will call the Dr he recommended for a consult.

Please continue to pray for us as we seek out more counsel.
Thank you for walking each portion of this journey alongside us.  Each leg of this journey has been so tiring, yet you all have not wavered in your passion to pray, serve, and love us.  Thank you so very much.

And now, after an emotionally draining day, I can literally hear my pillow calling me.  ;)
Goodnight, dear friends.