"New normal" is an interesting concept. Is it really a thing? There was a day I never thought our "new" would ever feel "normal" after Jon's surgery. But a few years in, and life goes on. Or so I thought.
I'm sitting here in Starbucks, with my stomach in knots. Not because of one thing in particular, but because of a lot of things in general. There are a lot of question marks in our life. I've learned that question marks frustrate me. I want the life with the beautiful, gigantic, shiny bow. Heck, I'll even settle for a pretty little bow. A tiny one. But for the love of all things, just give me a blasted bow. But nope. Just when I feel like the bow might be getting tied, one of the ends get pulled and it unravels. Square one. Start another "new normal."
1 year ago, Jon left church ministry to sign on to work for a friend of ours at his non-profit. It was a year commitment, with hopes from both sides, for it to be a much longer partnership. However, as is often the case with privately funded non-profits, there just wasn't funding to sustain his position beyond this year. So 2 weeks ago, after an awesome season with a dear friend, Jon ended his year there. Insert big fat question mark. Ok God, what now? 3 years ago, I was confident that if Jon needed a job, he could get one in an instant. He had been a full time worship leader for 16 years and was constantly contacted by churches with job offers. It wasn't uncommon for him to receive several calls or emails in a month, asking him to prayerfully consider coming on to "so and so church" staff. But that was what seems like a lifetime ago. A life where his degree in music, his experience in music, his passion for music all worked together for his employment. Now that's off the table. Ground zero is a scary place. There are a ton of rabbit trails. Which should we pursue? How do you start over at age 40? Where's my blasted bow?
Tonight, Jon goes in for his big MRI. The MRI that reveals the state of his brain tumor. Has it grown? Is it the same? Did a miracle happen and it's gone? MRI's are often The Trigger for some emotional unraveling for me. We all have Triggers. You see That Person that triggers That Feeling. You read That Email that triggers That Emotion. You see That Post that triggers That Hurt. Triggers are all around us. And one of mine is when Jon gets called in for tests. What if? So. Many. Question. Marks.
So I sit here and surrender My Plans once again. I sit here and watch God care for even the birds outside. I feel a twinge of comfort. Then I click on my blog and read from 2013. And 2014. And 2015. God is not going to stop being faithful now. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. My "new normal?" Not so much. My "new normal" has yet to be consistent.
"So I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." THAT is my "new normal."
Now where's my blasted bow.... ;)
Prayers for Jon's tumor to be gone and he will find a new job! Praying for your family and your new "bow" God Bless.
ReplyDeleteTears. And continued prayer. And gratitude for your courageous openness in the raw places and for God's faithfulness in our unknowns.
ReplyDeleteLove, prayers, hope and courage (a hug if you can feel it through this technology) for all of your fears in the nooks and crannies of a faith-filled person, who belongs first to God, then to one of the most supportive families I have ever been witness to. Know and feel the strength of millions who pray for you and Jon and your children.
ReplyDeleteAs always, well said! Thank you for sharing. I feel so alone at times, oh and so judged. Being 40 in this economy is not the same as when our parents were 40. I take heart when I remember Joshua fought the battle of Jericho when he was 80 years old! And Sarah had a baby close to 90 years old. HE IS FAITHFUL!
ReplyDeleteWhat to say ? You have a bow ,, I like it ! I have a balloon , The big red balloon , I get very hopeful , in my special ( new normal) that I don't like , can't believe and wish it were gone , prayers of 18 yrs now , so there are those days of hope ? A ray of sunshine where I stay blowing that balloon up again , I'm going to celebrate , but it never fails , the bigger the prayer , the bolder the prayer , it pops ,,, I know my joy is never gone , I know all the verses , I know the joy of the lord is my strength , I know not to ever give up or give in or cave , but trust , and wait , and listen and be still , and watch the birds of the fields , the lilies , because each moment is a treasure , life is a gift , and we know who holds the future , and whatever God brings to your day , He brings it from Glory to you , may you feel His Glory very warm sweet love surround you all xo
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you and your family. I cannot imagine what it is like waiting for those test results to come back, each time. I cannot imagine having life turned so upside down. Especially when you have this big, busy family that you have to care for and try to make the new normal, well... normal. You have to comfort them and soothe their fears when you can hardly get through your own. Oh, Deanna, you're going to have the biggest mansion in heaven one day, you're going to get a big heavenly reward for all this. It's so hard that it doesn't make sense now and we are asked to trust, but... Dang that's a big request. I know you are strong and I admire your openness, but I hurt for you. Please know that I am so proud of you and Jon, I will continue to hold you up and that the Lord would give you supernatural strength and peace as you both continue in this difficult desert season....Big Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteWhile reading your story, I was really hoping that the end was just that Jon hurt his shoulder or something less life-changing. I’m sad to hear there is a cancer diagnosis in your life and everything that really goes with it. I truly wish I had a bow and some positive news to give you. Stay strong and hopeful.
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