Today is my due date. March 3rd. Well, 11 years ago today, it was. Today was the day I was due to deliver Jon and my very first child. We had been so excited to start our growing family. When we found out we were expecting, the first thing we did was go out and buy a minivan. Ha! To say we were thrilled would be an understatement. :)
I'll never forget the doctor's appointment we had as I was about to begin my second trimester. We watched in awe as the doctor showed us the tiny life on the screen. Jon was taking pictures of me in my paper gown, as we were getting printout pictures of our newest family member! And then he said it. The doctor's words knocked the air right out of my lungs. "I'm so sorry, but the baby isn't looking and growing like it should." I couldn't breathe. The room started spinning. He sent us home to "wait and see" and come back for more tests the following Monday. The elevator ride down to the parking lot was silent. Jon just stood next to me and squeezed my hand. I blinked hard and fast, but the tears streamed down anyway. Those tears. Once they came that day, they were either there or close by for the next several weeks and months that followed. The following Monday we found out the baby had stopped growing. Its heart had stopped beating.
I remember my husband wanting so badly to help, but didn't know exactly how. I remember my friends trying to support me, but not knowing what to do. I remember struggling with my own feelings of grief. Was I allowed to be sad over losing a baby at 12 weeks? That's nothing compared to the loss others have experienced.
As March 3rd's have come and gone, I have reflected and remembered. I have since walked this journey alongside friends and family who have had similar losses. And so today, I write this in hopes that it might be helpful to anyone in a similar spot - or who knows someone who is.
To the Mommies, the Daddies, and the friends who surround them:
*Give grace. To yourself and to others. Miscarrying is painful and everyone walks through pain differently. Give yourself and others the grace to walk it loudly, quietly, sadly, angrily and even clumsily.
*Give yourself permission to grieve. Whether you were pregnant for 5 months or 5 hours, allow yourself to grieve. There are ABSOLUTELY different degrees of pain and loss when you carry a child for 5 months verses 5 hours. But your pain is no less REAL. When you see that "positive test," you start to dream. Of what will be, what could be, what you hope to be. Even a short pregnancy comes with its dreams. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of all you had hoped for that life.
*Use your pain to feel compassion, not comparison. I will never forget when my cousin shared with my mom and I the details of her loss. She lost her full term baby girl. I cannot even begin to imagine how a loss like that would feel. My mom, trying to relate, said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You know, Deanna lost her baby too." I wanted to crawl into a hole. There is no way for me to try to compare my cousin's loss to my loss. Yes, my pain was real and it turned my world upside down. But I have such compassion for a loss of that magnitude. I never want to take away from someone's loss by comparing it to mine. Just as I don't want to take away from my own loss by comparing it to someone else's. I just want to use my pain to feel compassion. To weep with those who weep. To mourn with those who mourn.
*Give grace. Yes, this point again. Give grace to that person who just said they know exactly how you feel because they lost their pet goldfish when they were 8, so they can imagine what it felt like to find out your baby's heart stopped beating. People want to relate. They want to help. Offer grace when they do it clumsily.
*Don't try to fix it. Spouses and friends and family want so badly to take the pain away. So sometimes they say helpful things. Other times they say things that hurt. "I'm sure you'll get pregnant again." "Well at least you already have 2 kids." "You should be thankful for all the other great things in your life." And on and on they say "encouraging" things. Except they aren't encouraging. They perpetuate this pressure to be better faster. Hurry up and heal. Even if the statement is true, it doesn't mean it's beneficial in the moment.
*Give grace. Yup. Again. Give grace to your spouse that is trying to help and heal and fix. Women have this beautiful privilege of feeling a life growing inside of our bodies. We feel nauseous and tired and swollen and tiny kicks and hiccups. Your spouse doesn't have the benefit of those feelings, so doesn't always understand the degree of emotional connection a mama has with her unborn baby - no matter how far along.
*Surround yourself with healthy people who love you. The best kind of person is the one who gets in the pit with you and grieves with you....but also loves you too much to let you stay there. Let people love on you by bringing meals. (hint: if you are a friend of someone who has lost a baby, bring food.) :) Let people cry with you and meet your needs. But let them also get you out of the house. Let them take you out. Let them remind you of beauty and Truth and that healing is possible. These friends, if they have a healthy perspective on life, will know how to love you in both of those ways and at the appropriate times.
*Give grace. You knew it was coming again. ;) Grace. But I'm not talking to the mamas right now. I'm talking to the spouse and friends. You grieved with. You showed up. And now you're trying to help that person out of the pit. But they're not ready. They have found their pit to be quite cozy and warm. Heck, they may have even hung pictures in that place and called it home. Don't give up. Give grace. And try again. This time, maybe gentler. We will come around. We want to. Deep down we do. We just need someone to be patient with us and love us enough to journey with us - even if it's at a slow crawl's pace.
*If you get pregnant again, celebrate. This one might sound crazy, but honestly, it was the biggest gift my husband gave me. After the loss of our first pregnancy, the next time we found out we were expecting, I was very hesitant to celebrate. I was hesitant even to believe that I truly was pregnant. I knew the test had read "Positive," but every day after that, I second guessed if the baby's heart was still beating, if the baby was growing, etc.. One day, my husband sat me down and said, "You know what? You are right. We don't know how this pregnancy will end. We don't know what tomorrow will hold. But what we do know is that TODAY you are pregnant! You are pregnant RIGHT NOW. So we are going to celebrate the "right now." We are going to be excited about today! Because today there is a baby growing inside of you. That is truth. That is real. We'll face a different reality if that comes, but today? Our reality is YOU are PREGNANT." And you know what? He was right. I was pregnant. And I remained pregnant until at 9 months I delivered a 9 pound 12 ounce baby boy. I could have spent those 9 months filled with worry and anxiety or I could have spent it celebrating each day that life grew inside of me. I'm so thankful I chose the later and had a trusted, loving voice to point me to a better way to move forward.
*If you don't get pregnant and someone else does, celebrate. This might sound crazier than the point above. But I'm going to take a moment to use some "tough love" on this one. While we are grieving our loss, as much as we hate to acknowledge it sometimes, the world around us continues on. People get pregnant and grow their own families. You know pregnancy is beautiful and miraculous, but when someone else gets pregnant after you've experienced loss, you don't always view it as beautiful and miraculous. You view it as mean and cruel. But the reality is, someone else's pregnancy has nothing to do with yours. Celebrate with them. Don't make them ashamed of the miracle growing in their womb. They can't suck it in. Or hide it from you. At least not forever. And although sometimes seeing a pregnant woman was a reminder of my loss, the beauty of hearing a healthy heartbeat and seeing a sonogram of a growing baby is absolutely something to be celebrated!
Bottom line: Don't do life alone. Life is better together. Celebrations are better with people. And grieving is better when not done alone. Let people in. Although it is popular to wait until the 2nd trimester to tell people you're expecting, I am so thankful people knew about our pregnancy earlier than that. So that when we did experience the loss, we had a huge support system that was aware and there for us. And when our next pregnancy came, we had huge prayer support for a healthy baby and pregnancy. People want to journey with you. Let them. And when it comes time to journey with someone else? Be the first in line because you know the beauty of community.
I wish this world knew no loss or pain or death. But unfortunately that's not the case. "March 3rd's" happen for someone, somewhere, each and every day. And so we link arms and put one foot in front of the other...day after day after day. Giving grace upon grace and knowing that we are better together. Loving, learning, offering compassion, and being a safe place to heal.
Thank you for being that to me, on this, my first baby's due date.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Why my 10, 8, 3 & 2 Year Old are Paying for Their Own Cruise to Mexico...
We have been trying desperately to teach our kids about money and how to manage their money well. When they were younger, they didn't have "chores" they were paid for. Being a part of our family comes with both rights and responsibilities. Everyone pitches in. So setting the table, clearing the table, loading/unloading the dishwasher, putting away their own laundry, cleaning their room... those things were all just viewed as being "expected" if you're a member of our family.
Over the past year, however, we have wanted to teach our children about saving and spending and giving. And to do that, they were going to need some cash. So we set up a system. Some of the things they do are still just "expected." But we made a list of certain things they can do to earn money. And when I say "money" I mean 25 cents per item on the list. (the point here is money management, not a giant cash flow) ;)
Anyway, the kids have been doing this for awhile now. They have also had birthdays and other holidays, celebrations, and have earned some extra money here and there. To the point that they now have some actual cash in each of their "give" "save" and "spend" canisters. Like, enough money to actually purchase something with.
It's become this funny thing though. The kids have come home from school day after day saying, "I just don't know what to buy with my money. Maybe another scooter?" (Insert me cringing, thinking, 'You already have 4 scooters!') "Or maybe I'll buy another Xbox game." "Or maybe that dress at Justice." Jackson and Taylor have had the big (first world) problem of not knowing how to spend their money. (They also give money away. But I'm talking about their delegated "spend" money.)
So one day I was deleting some junk emails and came across an email advertising a 4 day cruise down to Mexico over the holiday weekend. Jon and I have taken these cruises several times and you just can't beat it - room, food, entertainment... all included. So I began to think... I texted Jon to ask if I was being creative or crazy. He graciously said 'creative' and let me proceed. ;)
That night we sat down with the kids and explained to them that money doesn't have to just buy "stuff." In fact, a common phrase we say in our home is "people are more important than things." So they do know this Truth. They just hadn't thought about it in the context of money. We told them about the cruise and explained that instead of buying a "thing," they could buy an "experience." We told them the cost of the cruse was $120 and if they wanted to pay half of their way, we would pay the other half.
Their responses were both different. Taylor immediately wanted to do it. She didn't have as much money saved as Jackson did, so she would have to sell some gift cards she had, to make up the difference. Jackson however, wanted time to think. Process. (he is SO his father) ;) We told him there was absolutely no pressure. If everyone was not on board (pun not intended) we wouldn't do it and it would be totally fine. We just wanted to introduce another option. But a few hours later, he came to us and said that he absolutely wanted to spend his money this way. What's cool? The 2 babies had recently had birthdays and had been given money for "toys." But they clearly have no need for one more toy. So even the littles ended up paying with their own money!
So tomorrow morning, our family of 6 is headed out on a 4 day cruise. And our kids are paying half their own way! We take family vacations in the summer. This is different. This is a few kids making a few creative, and I think wise, decisions with their money. We let our kids save up for the Lego set they want. We let them save up for an iPod or new skateboard. Why wouldn't we expand their minds to all the options? I'm super proud of the decision they made.
And to make it even better? A 4 day cruise for $120 was just too good for my dad to pass up! So my dad and mom are coming too! With my mom's terminal illness, time with her is precious and we know, limited. What incredible memories we'll get to create with her - This is a trip we will never forget!
Now that my kids minds have been expanded beyond toys and games, I can't wait to see what they do with their money in the future! I think they will 'give' more creatively, 'save' for more creative things, and 'spend' on things that truly matter to them.
And me? Well I only have 2 more words to say. Bon Voyage!!! ;)
Over the past year, however, we have wanted to teach our children about saving and spending and giving. And to do that, they were going to need some cash. So we set up a system. Some of the things they do are still just "expected." But we made a list of certain things they can do to earn money. And when I say "money" I mean 25 cents per item on the list. (the point here is money management, not a giant cash flow) ;)
Anyway, the kids have been doing this for awhile now. They have also had birthdays and other holidays, celebrations, and have earned some extra money here and there. To the point that they now have some actual cash in each of their "give" "save" and "spend" canisters. Like, enough money to actually purchase something with.
It's become this funny thing though. The kids have come home from school day after day saying, "I just don't know what to buy with my money. Maybe another scooter?" (Insert me cringing, thinking, 'You already have 4 scooters!') "Or maybe I'll buy another Xbox game." "Or maybe that dress at Justice." Jackson and Taylor have had the big (first world) problem of not knowing how to spend their money. (They also give money away. But I'm talking about their delegated "spend" money.)
So one day I was deleting some junk emails and came across an email advertising a 4 day cruise down to Mexico over the holiday weekend. Jon and I have taken these cruises several times and you just can't beat it - room, food, entertainment... all included. So I began to think... I texted Jon to ask if I was being creative or crazy. He graciously said 'creative' and let me proceed. ;)
That night we sat down with the kids and explained to them that money doesn't have to just buy "stuff." In fact, a common phrase we say in our home is "people are more important than things." So they do know this Truth. They just hadn't thought about it in the context of money. We told them about the cruise and explained that instead of buying a "thing," they could buy an "experience." We told them the cost of the cruse was $120 and if they wanted to pay half of their way, we would pay the other half.
Their responses were both different. Taylor immediately wanted to do it. She didn't have as much money saved as Jackson did, so she would have to sell some gift cards she had, to make up the difference. Jackson however, wanted time to think. Process. (he is SO his father) ;) We told him there was absolutely no pressure. If everyone was not on board (pun not intended) we wouldn't do it and it would be totally fine. We just wanted to introduce another option. But a few hours later, he came to us and said that he absolutely wanted to spend his money this way. What's cool? The 2 babies had recently had birthdays and had been given money for "toys." But they clearly have no need for one more toy. So even the littles ended up paying with their own money!
So tomorrow morning, our family of 6 is headed out on a 4 day cruise. And our kids are paying half their own way! We take family vacations in the summer. This is different. This is a few kids making a few creative, and I think wise, decisions with their money. We let our kids save up for the Lego set they want. We let them save up for an iPod or new skateboard. Why wouldn't we expand their minds to all the options? I'm super proud of the decision they made.
And to make it even better? A 4 day cruise for $120 was just too good for my dad to pass up! So my dad and mom are coming too! With my mom's terminal illness, time with her is precious and we know, limited. What incredible memories we'll get to create with her - This is a trip we will never forget!
Now that my kids minds have been expanded beyond toys and games, I can't wait to see what they do with their money in the future! I think they will 'give' more creatively, 'save' for more creative things, and 'spend' on things that truly matter to them.
And me? Well I only have 2 more words to say. Bon Voyage!!! ;)
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
The End of a 15 Year Era....
2 weeks ago, our church campus (Mariners Ocean Hills) hired a new worship pastor. He is awesome and a great addition to the Mariners staff. When he asked if I would lead worship alongside him on his first Sunday, I agreed without hesitation. I haven't done that at Mariners since Jon's surgery almost 16 months ago. It was time. I was so looking forward to it!
So I was shocked when I arrived for sound check, walked on stage, and got a huge lump in my throat. I started to put my ears in (in-ear monitors, for you non-musical peeps) and had to do one of those "blink really fast so tears don't fall out of your eyeballs" type things. This crazy flood of emotion came over me that I was not expecting. You see, Jon usually attaches my in-ear battery pack to the back of my bra strap for me. We have this "moment" every Sunday where he hooks me up. ;) Where was he? I can't get my pack where I want it! Wait, am I really crying about my battery pack? What in the world is going on?!?
Rewind....
Several months ago, Jon came with me to Hume Lake for a women's conference. I was leading worship and Jon played guitar in the band and sang with me. This was his first time really playing and singing with a full band since his surgery. After the Friday night session, we walked off stage and Jon looked at me and sadly said, "I can't do that anymore. It's all just noise."
Being deaf in one ear has made things very tough for Jon. Social situations are awkward because he misses about 1/3 of the words in conversations. Being in loud restaurants are the worst. He can't hear anything. When he walks into a room of people and someone yells something out, he has to scan the room to figure out who said it. He can't tell which direction sound comes from. However, sleeping has become a new favorite pastime. He has "trained himself" to put his good ear down into his pillow and he then hears nothing. He's never had such good sleep in his life! ;)
Being deaf in one ear has made things very tough for Jon. Social situations are awkward because he misses about 1/3 of the words in conversations. Being in loud restaurants are the worst. He can't hear anything. When he walks into a room of people and someone yells something out, he has to scan the room to figure out who said it. He can't tell which direction sound comes from. However, sleeping has become a new favorite pastime. He has "trained himself" to put his good ear down into his pillow and he then hears nothing. He's never had such good sleep in his life! ;)
Anyway, a few weekends after that experience at Hume, Jon stood in front of our church and told them that he would not be returning to his position as Worship Pastor. He just can't physically do it. He can sing with tracks. (like when we perform The Prayer) And he can lead worship with just his guitar. He can hear fairly well in both of those settings. But leading worship with a full band (drums, click, vocals, etc..) is just too hard to do on a regular basis. He can probably get through doing it here and there, but as a full time job? No.
So Jon has been working part time (he's still on part time disability) as the pastor of Outreach. He is loving experiencing a different area of ministry and leading our church in serving our community. Mariners has been so gracious, so patient, so supportive. It's been a season of transition and Jon and I have had absolute peace about it. Well, Jon has. I thought I did. Until last Sunday when I almost sobbed over my battery pack. What was that about??
For 15 years, Jon and I have led worship side by side. 15 years. I know when he is going to repeat a chorus or cut out a bridge. I know when he doesn't know the words and needs me to jump in. ;) I lay in bed next to him on Sunday mornings as he sets his alarm extra early and prays over the service for an hour. I lead worship differently because of what I have learned from him and how he leads. One of my favorite things to do in life is lead worship alongside Jon. And as much as I've had peace about what God is doing in and through Jon's life, I hadn't yet grieved the end of an amazing 15 year season of life with my husband. It is a loss. A big loss. And even though I had known for awhile that it was coming, the first time walking on the stage to lead worship with Jon's replacement was emotional. It just made it official.
Want to know what's amazing? Jon was totally fine. Ha! It wasn't an emotional day for him at all. He has been processing all of this for months. Me? I'm a visual, experiential type person. I only understand things in theory to an extent. But once I can see/touch/feel/experience, I can really get it.
Last Sunday, I really got it. Life is different. It is good. But it is different. And sometimes different means celebrating. And sometimes different means grieving. I've done both of those things over the past 16 months. And I'm doing both of those things in this situation . I grieve what Jon has lost. What we have lost. But I celebrate the amazing new things God is doing in Jon's life. In our lives. And I celebrate HUGELY that God has brought such an amazing new person to lead our Mariners OH campus into worship. And I celebrate HUGELY that he invited me to worship alongside him. What a gift.
Last Sunday, I really got it. Life is different. It is good. But it is different. And sometimes different means celebrating. And sometimes different means grieving. I've done both of those things over the past 16 months. And I'm doing both of those things in this situation . I grieve what Jon has lost. What we have lost. But I celebrate the amazing new things God is doing in Jon's life. In our lives. And I celebrate HUGELY that God has brought such an amazing new person to lead our Mariners OH campus into worship. And I celebrate HUGELY that he invited me to worship alongside him. What a gift.
God continues to heal. Physically. Emotionally. He takes away. And He gives gifts. He refines. And blesses. And sometimes, just sometimes, He uses tears over a battery pack to push us toward greater healing, greater surrender, greater trust. Two Sundays ago? Fast blinks. This past Sunday? Slow blinks, no lump in my throat. And from the stage, I had the most beautiful view of a hot, bearded, 30-something year old red head in the 5th row with his arms raised high, worshiping Jesus.
Cue fast blinks. ;)
Monday, January 12, 2015
MRI Results!!!
Friends, THANK YOU for praying....
Today's appointment with the neurosurgeon revealed that Jon's brain tumor shows NO NEW GROWTH!!! Praise God!!!!
The tumor is a little under 1cm, which is still a safe size to not have to operate on or do radiation at this point. We are THRILLED. (you can see below... the tumor is on the left side, middle of the screen - the white part.)
The Doctor then spent time with us, working on a plan for Jon's pain management. Jon continues to be in extreme eye pain at times and we still haven't found a way to lessen that. (Well, the neurosurgeon did say that he has had several patients say the ONLY thing that has helped with facial pain is medical marijuana. But we won't discuss that here.) ;)
Anyway, THANK YOU for praying. THANK YOU for pleading.
God is GOOD.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
MRI Day...
"When my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice
I'll hold on to what is true, though I cannot see.
When the storms of life, they come, and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith.
I will believe.
I remind myself of all that You've done
And the life I have because of Your son."
If you have our new worship CD, you know this is how the CD starts. There's no musical introduction. It's just these words. Sung by Jon. The words pierce my soul every single time.
This morning I sing them with a lump in my throat.
Tonight at 7:30pm, Jon has his MRI.
We've waited 6 months for this MRI, although we haven't thought much about the MRI in the past 6 months while waiting. We try to just "live in the now" and let tomorrow's worries stay there. Tomorrow. But when tomorrow becomes today, it takes my breath away.
This tumor has grown in the past. This tumor has also not grown in the past. It is not predictable nor does it "act as it should," as our surgeon has previously told us. (However previously operated-on brain tumor's are supposed to act..??)
And so we enter the next 5 days of 'MRI test until MRI results' with the same posture we've tried to take during this whole journey: Prayerfully open handed. God, you are sovereign. God, we trust you. God, you are faithful. God, you are good. God, we ask for healing. God, we ask for healing. God, we plead for healing. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Would you join us in that? Would you worship God with us? He is SO worthy. And would you plead for healing with us? He is SO able.
We will keep you posted on Monday, as we meet with Jon's neurosurgeon at 3pm for the results.
Love you and thank you for journeying with us. Still.
I'll hold on to what is true, though I cannot see.
When the storms of life, they come, and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith.
I will believe.
I remind myself of all that You've done
And the life I have because of Your son."
If you have our new worship CD, you know this is how the CD starts. There's no musical introduction. It's just these words. Sung by Jon. The words pierce my soul every single time.
This morning I sing them with a lump in my throat.
Tonight at 7:30pm, Jon has his MRI.
We've waited 6 months for this MRI, although we haven't thought much about the MRI in the past 6 months while waiting. We try to just "live in the now" and let tomorrow's worries stay there. Tomorrow. But when tomorrow becomes today, it takes my breath away.
This tumor has grown in the past. This tumor has also not grown in the past. It is not predictable nor does it "act as it should," as our surgeon has previously told us. (However previously operated-on brain tumor's are supposed to act..??)
And so we enter the next 5 days of 'MRI test until MRI results' with the same posture we've tried to take during this whole journey: Prayerfully open handed. God, you are sovereign. God, we trust you. God, you are faithful. God, you are good. God, we ask for healing. God, we ask for healing. God, we plead for healing. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Would you join us in that? Would you worship God with us? He is SO worthy. And would you plead for healing with us? He is SO able.
We will keep you posted on Monday, as we meet with Jon's neurosurgeon at 3pm for the results.
Love you and thank you for journeying with us. Still.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Jon (and I) Recorded a New Worship CD!!!!
Several months ago, we found out Jon's brain tumor was growing again. While we were getting 2nd and 3rd opinions on treatment options and radiation, another MRI a few months later revealed it had stopped growing. The doctor was baffled by this. Tumors don't just stop growing! We told him SO many people were praying. He said, "Well, there's that, I guess. I mean, we'll probably never know." :)
Well in the midst of all of that, I began having conversations with a few talented friends of ours. And we decided to surprise Jon with a way to raise funds to help with his medical expenses, as well as document his spiritual journey over this past year through worship. We sat Jon down and told him there was a group of talented friends who were going to volunteer their time and talent to help Jon (and I) record a worship CD. Jon's only responsibility would be to pick the songs and show up to sing. So over the past few months, we have been in the process of making this CD.
I have to tell you, it was INCREDIBLE to watch Jon create the worship experience for this CD. I call it a "worship experience" because that was his #1 desire. That you would be able to throw this CD in, and find hope and healing. Jon wanted to record the CD exactly how he worships when he's alone and it's just him and God. Songs are melded together, there is space to sit and listen... There are 17 different songs or parts of songs on the CD - but only 7 actual different tracks. Because it's not about a bunch of individual songs. It's about going on a worship journey.
Jon also was adamant about having a choir on the CD - a group of voices singing with us at certain places throughout the project. One of the biggest blessings and most beautiful parts of our journey this past year was the community that surrounded us. Jon wanted to make sure "Community" was represented on the CD. The best musical expression of that, that he could imagine, was a choir. And man, every time I listen to the CD and I hear that group come in, I get tears in my eyes. It represents The Body that so extravagantly loved on us and pleaded with God on our behalf. Wow.
Well all that to say..... THE CD IS DONE!!!! "Let Faith Arise" is the title of the new worship CD - a CD filled with songs of hope and healing - the prayers we sang as we grieved and celebrated, grieved and celebrated, over this past year. (10,000 Reasons, Love Came Down, Oceans, Give Me Jesus, Never Let Go, etc.. to name a few)
One of my favorite parts of the CD are the moments you can hear the raw emotion in Jon's voice, as he fought back tears while recording/worshiping. It. Is. Beautiful. And to know that he recorded it - deaf in one ear and struggling to pronounce words properly while fighting the paralysis on the right side of his face... I'm telling you. It. Is. Beautiful.
There is a link on the Right side of this blog that will let you purchase this new CD. (it's under our pic, under my email address, and links to PayPal) We are selling the CD for $10 and if you need it shipped, it's $13.50 - to cover shipping and packaging. The link will allow you to pay via PayPal. If you don't have a PayPal account, you can still make a payment through the link or you can just email ramsaycds@gmail.com and we'll get you the info on sending a check via snail mail. :) Also, if you are ordering 3 or more CDs, send us an email and we'll let you know the accurate shipping amount, since PayPal does't give you that option. (we're working on fixing that)
Thank you SO much for journeying with us this past year. Jon's next MRI is in about 3 weeks, so we will keep you posted on those results. Praying and trusting God for continued healing and NO tumor growth....
Love you all.....
Deanna
Well in the midst of all of that, I began having conversations with a few talented friends of ours. And we decided to surprise Jon with a way to raise funds to help with his medical expenses, as well as document his spiritual journey over this past year through worship. We sat Jon down and told him there was a group of talented friends who were going to volunteer their time and talent to help Jon (and I) record a worship CD. Jon's only responsibility would be to pick the songs and show up to sing. So over the past few months, we have been in the process of making this CD.
I have to tell you, it was INCREDIBLE to watch Jon create the worship experience for this CD. I call it a "worship experience" because that was his #1 desire. That you would be able to throw this CD in, and find hope and healing. Jon wanted to record the CD exactly how he worships when he's alone and it's just him and God. Songs are melded together, there is space to sit and listen... There are 17 different songs or parts of songs on the CD - but only 7 actual different tracks. Because it's not about a bunch of individual songs. It's about going on a worship journey.
Jon also was adamant about having a choir on the CD - a group of voices singing with us at certain places throughout the project. One of the biggest blessings and most beautiful parts of our journey this past year was the community that surrounded us. Jon wanted to make sure "Community" was represented on the CD. The best musical expression of that, that he could imagine, was a choir. And man, every time I listen to the CD and I hear that group come in, I get tears in my eyes. It represents The Body that so extravagantly loved on us and pleaded with God on our behalf. Wow.
Well all that to say..... THE CD IS DONE!!!! "Let Faith Arise" is the title of the new worship CD - a CD filled with songs of hope and healing - the prayers we sang as we grieved and celebrated, grieved and celebrated, over this past year. (10,000 Reasons, Love Came Down, Oceans, Give Me Jesus, Never Let Go, etc.. to name a few)
One of my favorite parts of the CD are the moments you can hear the raw emotion in Jon's voice, as he fought back tears while recording/worshiping. It. Is. Beautiful. And to know that he recorded it - deaf in one ear and struggling to pronounce words properly while fighting the paralysis on the right side of his face... I'm telling you. It. Is. Beautiful.
There is a link on the Right side of this blog that will let you purchase this new CD. (it's under our pic, under my email address, and links to PayPal) We are selling the CD for $10 and if you need it shipped, it's $13.50 - to cover shipping and packaging. The link will allow you to pay via PayPal. If you don't have a PayPal account, you can still make a payment through the link or you can just email ramsaycds@gmail.com and we'll get you the info on sending a check via snail mail. :) Also, if you are ordering 3 or more CDs, send us an email and we'll let you know the accurate shipping amount, since PayPal does't give you that option. (we're working on fixing that)
Thank you SO much for journeying with us this past year. Jon's next MRI is in about 3 weeks, so we will keep you posted on those results. Praying and trusting God for continued healing and NO tumor growth....
Love you all.....
Deanna
Thursday, November 13, 2014
My Confession...
2 weeks ago, Jon walked in the door from work and he greeted me in the kitchen with a kiss. I looked at him and said, "Babe, can we sit down and talk?" I'm sure he thought, "Oh crap." But he lovingly grabbed my hand and we headed to the living room couch, which we only use for "those talks." We sat down, Jon held my hand, I looked into his eyes and said, "I think I'm tired." Jon knew exactly what I was saying and he nodded. "I feel like I'm losing steam," I said next. And he nodded again. I continued, "I feel like my plane is wanting to land - but it's not landing in a beautiful, warm, tropical island. :) I feel like it wants to land in a big, dark pit. I don't want any part of that. But I'm just... tired." He sat with me for awhile. He accepted me in my honesty. He didn't try to fix it. He didn't make promises. He didn't even try to say an 'encouraging word.' He was just present. Partly because he's awesome like that. And partly because he's tired too. He feels the same way.
Rewind a week....
We had just spent the week at CHOC (Children's Hospital of Orange County) where our 3 year old had been admitted due to low oxygen levels and respiratory issues. She was put in an isolation room where the doctors and nurses only entered with full "protective clothing" on. (Not sure what to call it when they have to get "suited up" each time they enter the room and then throw away their "suit" each time they leave the room. Hazmat suit, anyone?) ;) They told us after the wide panel of tests, everything came back "negative." Their bottom line was that Morgan had a virus. They didn't know which one, but they assumed it was a rare, bad virus. They said there was no way to treat the virus. Keeping her hooked up to oxygen was about the only thing they were able to do to help her breathe. But other than that, we would just have to wait and see. Wait and see how her body fights. Or doesn't fight. Time would tell.
One year ago, Jon was admitted to the hospital with a brain tumor. Now almost 365 days later we were there with our 3 year old. For the first time, in a year filled with Doctors and hospitals and appointments, I needed OUT. Stat. Jon took one look at me and said it even before I did. "Um, babe, why don't you go. You need to get out of here, I think." He was right. Too right. I needed to get outside of the walls of that blasted hospital. And I needed to have words. With God. Out loud words.
I walked out to the parking lot, taking deep, like-you're-in-labor breaths the whole way. I had barely made it inside my minivan before I started in.. with intensity. "God, I cannot do this. I can't. CAN. NOT." And then I said it. "If you think this is going to be some great way for me to put you on display and be used for your glory, YOU ARE MISTAKEN." It felt like the air got sucked out of the van. Kind of how it feels right now as I type this. I am embarrassed to admit those words came out of my mouth. But in an attempt to "live out loud" and continue in this journey honestly, I confess them. It's not that I don't think God can't handle my exasperation. It's just that I've never so blatantly said "No" to God before. Oh, I've said "no" many times. But it was always more subtle. ;) Choosing my own way... Not obeying... Pretending like I didn't hear Him... Manipulating circumstances to make them "work out"... But never have I just said, "No." Verbally. I drove around the parking lot just waiting for a giant whale to swallow me up. I immediately felt guilt. But not enough to make me take my words back. My flesh and my spirit were at war. Everything in me wanted to live my life open handed. In theory. I want to choose Jesus every day of the week and twice on Sunday. But I was also facing off with my fears. My desires. And still in the process of learning what it looks like to live a fully surrendered life.
Fast forward back to the couch a week later.
I realized that I'm just plain tired. And I think it's because my reserve is low. You know when you have a full tank (in life) and you get normal, every day hits? They don't seem to do all that much "damage" when your tank is full. But when your tank is low, those events don't seem like "normal, every day" hits. They feel like huge blows that deplete whatever reserves you had in there. So you feel helpless, exasperated, desperate with each life event. The baby has a rash? Of course she does. Your homework isn't done yet? Lovely! You spilled nail polish where?!? UGH! And then there was the water heater that went out, the child that came home from school with lice and the other one who had it 2 weeks later. Each life event felt like a fatal blow. So when Morgan went into the hospital, it just about did me in. I don't have what it takes to have a sick child right now. Taylor was crying at school because Lord knows all this hospital business has taken an emotional toll on her. Jon's trying to juggle work and school and an eyeball that puts him in debilitating chronic pain. And I'm getting emails from speaking engagements I'm booked for, asking for a current "head shot" for their promotional material. Head shot? If you could see my face right now, you would probably cancel me as your speaker! ;) But we trod along. A friend takes a updated picture of me and uses all the photoshop she can muster. My in-laws babysit. (and wash the car and do the laundry and... and...) God provides. Just enough.
The awkward part, was I had been booked to speak at an event a few weeks after my "minivan meltdown" and only few days after the "couch confession." I was booked to speak and I felt like I had nothing to say. I contemplated canceling.
I told God, "I have nothing to give these ladies."
And do you know what God said back to me?
"You're right."
Um, thanks?
"You have nothing to give. But I do. So give them Me."
What?!? But I have to teach them something. I have to...
"Um, I'm gonna need you to try and not teach them anything right now." He said. "Seriously. Just give them me. Tell them about me. That's it."
Sigh.
So I did what He said - only because I really didn't have any other options. And you know what? That experience changed me. It was like God was saying, "Your eyes have shifted. Shift them back to me. You're trying to give everyone more and more of yourself. Stop. You don't have anything to give them. Give them me instead."
Do you know how freeing that reminder has been?
The ladies at that event will tell you, I didn't try to "teach" them one single bullet point. I just told God's story.
My friends will tell you, I've stopped giving advice. LOL! I just trust Jesus to speak to them and point them to Him.
My kids will tell you, I've stopped refereeing their fights and whines and complaints. I kid you not. Do you know what I said when Taylor came downstairs after bed time, complaining about something Jackson said to her? "Taylor, I love you so much. God loves you so much. God made you so special. He has such great plans for your life." It was almost comical to see her reaction. She looked puzzled and said, "What does that have to do with Jackson saying..." I interrupted her. "Taylor, you are SO loved." As I continued to speak words of truth over her, she began to smile. Her demeanor changed. She repeated it back to me, kind of laughing. "Mom, I am SO loved." She went back upstairs a completely different child. And do you know what? I didn't have to parent her out of my deficite! I didn't have to give her what I don't have. I just gave her Jesus. And (surprise!) He was more than enough!
I have been quiet here on the blog because I just couldn't muster up the energy to try to process all of the feelings I've experienced over the past few weeks. I'm not even certain I've done a good job of it here, but I felt like I needed to try. And, honestly, it took me a bit of time to muster up the cajones to write this. There's nothing enticing about telling people that you're tired, losing steam, and "lost it" with God. But it is what it is. Brutal. Real life.
I do, however, feel SUCH freedom in giving people Jesus instead of me. I know. Duh. But sometimes we forget. Sometimes we start to believe that we should be enough. How quickly I was reminded that I'm robbing people (friends, strangers, husband, kids) of SO much by just giving them me.
I'll end by doing my favorite thing. (if you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know this is NOT my favorite thing, but I'm learning...)
Would you continue to pray for Jon and I? :) That God would continue to sustain? That we would be patient in affliction? That we would seek to fill ourselves with Jesus and pour only Him (and not ourselves) out into the world around us?
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world.
But give me Jesus.
We had just spent the week at CHOC (Children's Hospital of Orange County) where our 3 year old had been admitted due to low oxygen levels and respiratory issues. She was put in an isolation room where the doctors and nurses only entered with full "protective clothing" on. (Not sure what to call it when they have to get "suited up" each time they enter the room and then throw away their "suit" each time they leave the room. Hazmat suit, anyone?) ;) They told us after the wide panel of tests, everything came back "negative." Their bottom line was that Morgan had a virus. They didn't know which one, but they assumed it was a rare, bad virus. They said there was no way to treat the virus. Keeping her hooked up to oxygen was about the only thing they were able to do to help her breathe. But other than that, we would just have to wait and see. Wait and see how her body fights. Or doesn't fight. Time would tell.
One year ago, Jon was admitted to the hospital with a brain tumor. Now almost 365 days later we were there with our 3 year old. For the first time, in a year filled with Doctors and hospitals and appointments, I needed OUT. Stat. Jon took one look at me and said it even before I did. "Um, babe, why don't you go. You need to get out of here, I think." He was right. Too right. I needed to get outside of the walls of that blasted hospital. And I needed to have words. With God. Out loud words.
I walked out to the parking lot, taking deep, like-you're-in-labor breaths the whole way. I had barely made it inside my minivan before I started in.. with intensity. "God, I cannot do this. I can't. CAN. NOT." And then I said it. "If you think this is going to be some great way for me to put you on display and be used for your glory, YOU ARE MISTAKEN." It felt like the air got sucked out of the van. Kind of how it feels right now as I type this. I am embarrassed to admit those words came out of my mouth. But in an attempt to "live out loud" and continue in this journey honestly, I confess them. It's not that I don't think God can't handle my exasperation. It's just that I've never so blatantly said "No" to God before. Oh, I've said "no" many times. But it was always more subtle. ;) Choosing my own way... Not obeying... Pretending like I didn't hear Him... Manipulating circumstances to make them "work out"... But never have I just said, "No." Verbally. I drove around the parking lot just waiting for a giant whale to swallow me up. I immediately felt guilt. But not enough to make me take my words back. My flesh and my spirit were at war. Everything in me wanted to live my life open handed. In theory. I want to choose Jesus every day of the week and twice on Sunday. But I was also facing off with my fears. My desires. And still in the process of learning what it looks like to live a fully surrendered life.
Fast forward back to the couch a week later.
I realized that I'm just plain tired. And I think it's because my reserve is low. You know when you have a full tank (in life) and you get normal, every day hits? They don't seem to do all that much "damage" when your tank is full. But when your tank is low, those events don't seem like "normal, every day" hits. They feel like huge blows that deplete whatever reserves you had in there. So you feel helpless, exasperated, desperate with each life event. The baby has a rash? Of course she does. Your homework isn't done yet? Lovely! You spilled nail polish where?!? UGH! And then there was the water heater that went out, the child that came home from school with lice and the other one who had it 2 weeks later. Each life event felt like a fatal blow. So when Morgan went into the hospital, it just about did me in. I don't have what it takes to have a sick child right now. Taylor was crying at school because Lord knows all this hospital business has taken an emotional toll on her. Jon's trying to juggle work and school and an eyeball that puts him in debilitating chronic pain. And I'm getting emails from speaking engagements I'm booked for, asking for a current "head shot" for their promotional material. Head shot? If you could see my face right now, you would probably cancel me as your speaker! ;) But we trod along. A friend takes a updated picture of me and uses all the photoshop she can muster. My in-laws babysit. (and wash the car and do the laundry and... and...) God provides. Just enough.
The awkward part, was I had been booked to speak at an event a few weeks after my "minivan meltdown" and only few days after the "couch confession." I was booked to speak and I felt like I had nothing to say. I contemplated canceling.
I told God, "I have nothing to give these ladies."
And do you know what God said back to me?
"You're right."
Um, thanks?
"You have nothing to give. But I do. So give them Me."
What?!? But I have to teach them something. I have to...
"Um, I'm gonna need you to try and not teach them anything right now." He said. "Seriously. Just give them me. Tell them about me. That's it."
Sigh.
So I did what He said - only because I really didn't have any other options. And you know what? That experience changed me. It was like God was saying, "Your eyes have shifted. Shift them back to me. You're trying to give everyone more and more of yourself. Stop. You don't have anything to give them. Give them me instead."
Do you know how freeing that reminder has been?
The ladies at that event will tell you, I didn't try to "teach" them one single bullet point. I just told God's story.
My friends will tell you, I've stopped giving advice. LOL! I just trust Jesus to speak to them and point them to Him.
My kids will tell you, I've stopped refereeing their fights and whines and complaints. I kid you not. Do you know what I said when Taylor came downstairs after bed time, complaining about something Jackson said to her? "Taylor, I love you so much. God loves you so much. God made you so special. He has such great plans for your life." It was almost comical to see her reaction. She looked puzzled and said, "What does that have to do with Jackson saying..." I interrupted her. "Taylor, you are SO loved." As I continued to speak words of truth over her, she began to smile. Her demeanor changed. She repeated it back to me, kind of laughing. "Mom, I am SO loved." She went back upstairs a completely different child. And do you know what? I didn't have to parent her out of my deficite! I didn't have to give her what I don't have. I just gave her Jesus. And (surprise!) He was more than enough!
I have been quiet here on the blog because I just couldn't muster up the energy to try to process all of the feelings I've experienced over the past few weeks. I'm not even certain I've done a good job of it here, but I felt like I needed to try. And, honestly, it took me a bit of time to muster up the cajones to write this. There's nothing enticing about telling people that you're tired, losing steam, and "lost it" with God. But it is what it is. Brutal. Real life.
I do, however, feel SUCH freedom in giving people Jesus instead of me. I know. Duh. But sometimes we forget. Sometimes we start to believe that we should be enough. How quickly I was reminded that I'm robbing people (friends, strangers, husband, kids) of SO much by just giving them me.
I'll end by doing my favorite thing. (if you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know this is NOT my favorite thing, but I'm learning...)
Would you continue to pray for Jon and I? :) That God would continue to sustain? That we would be patient in affliction? That we would seek to fill ourselves with Jesus and pour only Him (and not ourselves) out into the world around us?
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world.
But give me Jesus.
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