MRI Results...

Romans 5:3-5

³ We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. ⁴ And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. ⁵ And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

That is what is being worked out in Jon and I as I type.  Trials.  Endurance.   Strength of character.  Hope.  Love.

This afternoon, we met with Jon's neurosurgeon to get the results from Jon's recent MRI.  The results are not what we had hoped and prayed for.  When Jon had surgery to remove his brain tumor, the surgeon was thrilled that he was able to remove 95-97% of the tumor.  He said the remaining 3-5% was cauterized at the end of the surgery and shouldn't grow.  He said if it did, it would be very slow growing over time.  Unfortunately, Jon's tumor is not acting "as it should."  In the past 5 1/2 months, Jon's tumor has doubled - almost tripled - in size.  This type of tumor is traditionally very slow growing... Estimated at growing approximately 1mm per year.  Jon's tumor has grown over 6mm in the past 5 1/2 months.  The neurosurgeon is perplexed by this.  He said this is extremely rare and he basically never sees this happen.  

You can see Jon's MRI the day after surgery on the left, and his MRI from last week on the right.  :(

Jon will have to start Radiation in the next 2 weeks.  Technology is incredible these days, so the neurosurgeon is hoping to have Jon undergo "Cyber Knife."  He did warn us that our insurance will probably try to deny this special type, but he will fight to get it approved.  This type of Radiation would be so much better than "traditional" Radiation.  Would you please pray with us that our insurance would approve it?  Our Neurosurgeon would perform it - along with a team he is gathering.  I researched "Cyber Knife" tonight and posted the info below, for those interested.  

As Jon and I were driving home from the hospital, Jon was saying how he didn't even want to tell anyone about this.  He feels like this journey has been long enough for You All and that Everyone is probably tired of walking this long road with us.  My heart knows where His heart is.  Anyone remember my EGR post?  "Extra Grace Required."  Yup.  That's us right now.  So humbling.  Jon and I have been SO grateful for your love during this season.  Is it tough to continue to share all of this?  Yes.  Do we fear some may read this and go, "Really!?! More??  You guys are TOO much."  Yes.  Yet you all have been so faithful.  So loving.  So gracious.  So supportive.  All signs point to safety.  But our insecurity points to other places.  So we choose to lay down our insecurities.  So here we are.  Laying it out there.  Asking, once again, for prayer.  

We are confident in the goodness and sovereignty of God.  We know His love for us is extravagant.  We believe He will work all of this together for our good.  We have already seen amazing beauty from these ashes.  So we are not without hope.  

We invite you to continue on this faith journey with us.  Believe with us.  Taste and see God's goodness with us.  He is here.  So present.  The story unfolding is not one we would have written, but we trust.  

Thank you for your love and prayers.

Just as I started, let's end with the same Truth. 

Because sometimes we need to be reminded - not just every Sunday....  Or every day...  Sometimes we need to be reminded every hour. Or even within the same blog post... That your story, my story, will not be wasted.  Good things are happening and being developed.  Very good things.  

Romans 5:3-5

³ We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. ⁴ And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. ⁵ And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

What is the CyberKnife® System?

The CyberKnife Robotic Radiosurgery System is a non-invasive alternative to surgery for the treatment of both cancerous and non-cancerous tumors anywhere in the body, including the prostate, lung, brain, spine, liver, pancreas and kidney. The treatment – which delivers beams of high dose radiation to tumors with extreme accuracy – offers new hope to patients worldwide.

Though its name may conjure images of scalpels and surgery, the CyberKnife treatment involves no cutting. In fact, the CyberKnife System is the world’s first and only robotic radiosurgery system designed to treat tumors throughout the body non-invasively. It provides a pain-free, non-surgical option for patients who have inoperable or surgically complex tumors, or who may be looking for an alternative to surgery.

The Good...The Bad...The Proud... And the Humiliating.....

My Week.  Just a glimpse, of course.  Don't want to brag too much about the awesome-ness that is Me, but....

(Starting TOP LEFT:)

1) My raspberries smashed in the Costco parking lot.  So, you know.  I did what most logical (read: desperate) moms of 4 do: Brushed off the smooshed ones and brought the rest home to eat.  

2) While I took a shower, Morgan dumped the (Costco sized) Corn Flakes all over the kitchen floor.  (Don't zoom in.  They're Frosted Flakes. Don't judge.)  And (not)shockingly, Reese was a fabulous human vacuum.

3) I almost lost my life when this baseball lodged under the gas pedal.  Ok, it didn't lodge. But it could have.  It hit my ankle and everything.  My minivan is a "Let's Make a Deal" dream come true.  Does something exist?  It's in my van.  

4) While I took a shower another day, Morgan opened the (Costco sized) bag of tangerines and pealed just a quarter size off of each one, took a bite, and put them in individual bowls. I didn't know if I was more annoyed that the tangerines were all wasted or that there were a crap load of dishes I had to clean.  

5) This is my thigh.  This is what my thigh looks like every day.  Look closer.  See those marks?  Those smears?  Jon finally asked me, "What is on your pants??"  Um, that is just my clear indicator of how tall baby Reese is getting.  Ever wonder how big she is?  Well, her nose reaches about thigh high.  She stands at my feet, holding on to my legs, crying, and wiping her snot on my pants.  All of them.  Pants, jeans, leggings.  Snot.  On each pair.  I've never been more non-sexy.  Ever.  

6) Family dinner at Chilis!  Wait.  Why is Reese naked and wrapped in a blanket? Because sometimes you think your child needs a diaper change.  But you're not sure if you're smeller is correct.  So you lean over to take a "peek" and before you can even lift her shirt, you see it.  It's coming down the outside of her pants.  And it's up her back.  All the way to her neck.  And oh wait.  It's also clumped on the high chair.  You don't know whether to throw up in disgust or hand her a medal.  Because let's be honest.  There must be great skill involved when poo can shoot in an 8 inch radius and explode out of a shirt neckline.  The NECKLINE.  Come on.  I don't want to brag, but that's talent.  Talent I'm sure can only be claimed by her father's side of the family.  

#livingthedream

Hmmmm...

OK.  I'm a hopeless "glass half full" type of hot mess.  So just to even out the score, here's a glimpse of the other side of our week.

1) Jon rode a bike.  My husband, who had brain surgery just 6 months ago and was using a walker just to get to the bathroom... that guy rode a bike.  Anyone lacking a hero in their life?  Look no further.  Boom.

2) Jackson (age 9) was cast in our community theater's production of The Sound of Music... as Captain Von Trapp!  He had to hold a girls hand and gaze into her eyes for the audition.  I have never seen my son more miserable.  But "fake it til ya make it" never looked so good!  :)  Oh, and Jackson is determined to learn how to play the guitar so he can accompany himself live for "Edelweiss."  Did I mention I'm proud?  Did I also mention that Taylor (age 7) was cast as Brigitta?  My heart might explode with pride.  

3) I got to take Jackson and Taylor on a date to see The Muppets.  They had asked Santa for a movie ticket in their stockings this past Christmas.  Santa couldn't believe what an "affordable" request that was, considering all the high ticket items they could have requested.  So Santa gave them tickets to the fancy shmancy "Cineopolis Theater."  The one with the leather recliners and personal waiters.  Ridiculous.  So they finally cashed those in.  Speaking of ridiculous, does the world realize that The Muppets are "talking animal puppets?"  I'm the only person I know who gets creeped out by talking animal puppets, so as much as luxury theater is a treat, I found the experience quite torturous.  Did I mention they are puppets??  Puppets!!  I digress...

4) If the frame was wide enough, you would see the back of child #2 and #3 and you would see their matching "Elsa braids."  A french braid that starts on one side and goes to the other.  This is normal for good hair moms.  I, however, am a bad hair mom.  I can do a pony tail.  And a "bam bam" rubber band to the bangs. But french braiding?  Never.  French braiding that is sideways and resembles a Disney Princess?  When pigs fly.  Well those piggies must be pinching themselves right now because I BRAIDED!  Yes, I want a pat on the back.  Yes, I want oooos and ahhhhs.  I want it all.  I'm just that awesome.

5) Taylor wrote a song.  Then made choreography to go with the song.  Then she cleared out the garage so she could have a stage.  Then she vacuumed her stage.  Then she called us (the family) in.  She stood behind a curtain. She introduced herself.  She came out and performed.  We hollered and cheered.  At the end she handed out gift bags (pictured) she made for each person.  (even the babies.)  Each one had a bracelet, a "thank you for coming" note, money from her piggy bank, and a home-made "Mad Lib" for us to fill out.  Each Mad Lib was unique.  Each note, hand written.  Each coin, a sacrifice from her savings.  I am astounded by Taylor's drive, her talent, her generosity, her thoughtfulness.  This is true beauty.

6) Our family got to spend the day with Jon's extended family at the Long Beach Aquarium.  The wonder and appreciation that children have for creation is inspiring.  But that's not why this picture is included.  You know why it's included?  Because of Reese's shoes.  Look closely.  Reese, age 14 months, is wearing Stride Rite booties.  Ones with hard soles. Ones that help her WALK.  Reese is WALKING!!!!  Reese isn't perpetually on my hip!!   Actually, this is a huge milestone.  For the rest of my life, no one will perpetually be on my hip!  9 years, 4 kids and a "snip snip" later, my hips are mine!  My back is mine.  My arms are mine.  Oh no.  Oh wait.  My arms will never be mine.  Just typing that makes my arms ache.   Ache to hold.  And cuddle.  And keep warm.  And lift up.  And comfort.  I will do that for the rest of my life.  With joy.  But this week, I celebrate the sound of 14 month old footsteps in my home.  

Now THAT is a glimpse of our week. The good, the bad, the proud and the humiliating.  Nothing like a good old fashioned dose of "Living Out Loud!"  

XOXO

No MRI Results Yet...

Just a quick update to let you know that Jon's neurosurgeon got called into surgery last minute on Thursday...  Right before Jon's appointment to go in and get his 6 month MRI results... and Jon's appointment was cancelled.  So no MRI results yet.  The nurse that called said that the MRI results cannot be given over the phone - only in the in-person appointment.  She rescheduled Jon's appointment for this Monday, March 31st at 4:15pm.  We would love if you would continue to pray for beautiful, healthy results. 

Also, Jon is on day 7 in a row of extreme eye pain.  :(  He has struggled with eye pain off and on since surgery - some days are better or worse than others.  He's also had weeks where he has had minimal pain.  But a week ago, Jon's eye pain came on strong and has not let up.  It has been heartbreaking.  I have seen my husband frustrated at times, but never as much as this past week.  The pain kept him from a really important event Friday night that he had been looking forward to for months.  Jon was miserable and frustrated and mad and annoyed and sad and... all the emotions you would expect.  Would you pray that the pain would subside?  Would you pray that he would get some relief?  

Thank you.  We are grateful.

We will share the MRI results on Monday.....

xoxo

Update...Answered Prayer...New Prayer Requests...THANK YOU!!!

There has been quite a gap since I last blogged.  I have no excuse except Life.  And let’s be honest, Life is a pretty darn good excuse.  And yet while I’m busy Living, when I was recently asked what I would do if I had more "me" time, “write” was near the top of my list.   And so I did some soul searching in the form of comparing my blog history and dates, and found the clear-cut reason why I haven’t written regularly in awhile.  Ready?  The meals stopped.   Yup, that’s right.  After somewhere around 88 meals, I was left to fend for myself.  I know, right?  You’re thinking it, too.  How horrible that I had to actually begin cooking for my own family again.  The nerve!   It’s true.  The calendar confirms.  I started “slowing down” my blogging right around the time the meals stopped.  So, you know.  There’s a big learning here.  A huge bottom line: I’m clearly a low-functioning hot mess.  I mean, 88 meals.  EIGHTY EIGHT.  (approximately)  We have been loved on and provided for beyond what we deserve.  To say we are humbled is an understatement.  In October it was a pumpkin patch.  In November it was anonymous gifts signed “Jesus Loves You!”  December was a “Secret Santa.”  Every week of every month has left us drowning in God’s faithfulness.  Our children have seen thoughtfulness and generosity expressed in beautiful ways.  They will be forever changed.  We all will.  So is it with severe sarcasm that that I wrote the above?  Yes.  But am I super bummed about my lack of writing and am I really a low-functioning hot mess?  Well, yes.  That part is true.  I still have not mastered Life.  My kids need haircuts.  My laundry isn’t done.  My 14 month old still hasn't had her 12 month check up.  I haven’t found the key to carving out time to write in the midst of it all.   But I trod along.  I am here.  Today.  And I hope to be here again in a few days.  And a few more after that. 

All that to say, I have some updates and some prayer requests!!!! 

(If we are Facebook friends, you will know some of these already.  But I’ll post them here, just to make sure we all are on the same page!)

1) Jon started back at work!  He is working part time – 20 hours/week and is loving being back!  He will be the first to say that heading back to work sounded like a “treat” after being at home for so long with 4 kids.  :)  (I’m pretty sure he has a new respect for my "job" at home.)  ;)

Jon has a new role at work right now.  He is not yet able to jump back into his role as Worship Pastor because of his eye pain.  Some days (like the past 3 days in a row!), he wakes up and his eye is SO painful.  He has a hard time functioning and has to manually hold it closed etc..  If that were to happen on a Sunday morning, the church would be in a tough spot.  He couldn’t necessarily “call in sick” to the morning services.  So because his health is “unpredictable” and “unreliable” it’s not wise for him to jump back into that role.  With being permanently deaf in his right ear now, Jon also needs to be careful to preserve his one working ear.  It’s a tricky new normal.  So Jon is currently overseeing Outreach at the church.  And he is LOVING it.  If you know Jon, you know outreach is something he is passionate about and you’d agree this role is a fantastic fit.  There are times he comes home with his tank totally filled up.  And there are times he comes home absolutely exhausted.  He often comes home with his eye just worn out.  But he loves being ‘back in the game.’  :)  

I really can’t talk about Jon’s work without sharing how AMAZING they have been through this whole journey.  Jon has been on staff at Mariners Church for 4 ½ years now and he is such a different person today than the day he started there.  Mariners has provided such a beautiful place for him to grow, learn, be stretched… And through this experience, we have seen how Mariners loves.  And it has been overwhelming.  Since the day of Jon’s surgery, and for his entire 4 months off of work, the staff donated vacation days to help cover the remainder of Jon’s salary after disability.  Yes, this incredible staff gave up their most precious thing – their vacation days/the time they have off with family and friends – to provide time for Jon to stay home and heal.  What a gift!  Talk about humbling!!!  Jon and I have been blown away by this beautifully generous community we get to serve with.  Wow!

2) Jon got his drivers license back!!!  Yes, after 5 months of being his chauffer, my title has been stripped!  ;)  Jon had to jump through many hoops and tests to get it back, but he did it!!!  The other day, we picked the kids up at school and Jackson was just in shock.  “Dad!  You’re driving!” he yelled, as he approached our van.  It was a great milestone we got to celebrate as a family. 

3) ( WARNING: This one is BIG!  Ready?  Are you sitting down?  Seriously.  Sit.  OK.) 

JON’S FACE MOVED!!!!!!  Yes, the right side of his face!  The side that has been paralyzed with NO movement!!!  The side that has been without movement or any life for 5 MONTHS and 8 DAYS!  THAT side of his face moved!  This is what we have prayed about since the day of his surgery on October 3!  The doctors had said that there was a 50% chance Jon would be left with life long facial paralysis.  And they said if his face were to have movement again, it would most likely begin to happen in the first 6 months after surgery.  So you can imagine after we hit the 5 month mark, we had to fight hard to not lose hope.  We were at Jackson's baseball game last week when Jon turned to me and said he thought he felt something move on his face.  When I saw it, I almost couldn’t believe it.  We were ECSTATIC!  I immediately grabbed my phone to capture the miracle on video.  I'll post it below.   :)  Now let me warn you.  It is teeny tiny movement.  I mean, some people have watched it on a giant screen, with a magnifying glass, and still can't see it.  But trust me.  It moved.  :)  The reality is, movement is movement.  Movement means that the facial nerve IS in fact in tact!  And there IS in fact life in the nerve!  The potential is HUGE.  The possibilities are endless!  Are you squealing with excitement at God’s goodness with us?  Are you dying to see it with your own eyes??  ;)  Here’s the  video of the first sign of movement....

Did you see it????  :)  

OK.  In case you just couldn't see it in that video, I have an updated one.  Just a few days later, the movement got a little stronger and easier to see.  Ready?  This is a super quick video Jon sent from his office at work but it ROCKS!!!!

And if that weren't enough, the movement has allowed Jon to open his mouth a tad more.  Look at this incredible before/after photo!  

I will be honest, Jon was EXHAUSTED after taking that photo and doing his new "facial tricks."  He says he feels like he just did sprints after he works to make his face move.  Who knew moving teeny tiny face muscles could make you feel so physically exhausted!?!?  But it's pretty incredible!  I am SO proud of his hard work and endurance!  

So of course a HUGE, ENERGENTIC, PASSIONATE “Happy Dance” is definitely in order!!!  THANK YOU for celebrating alongside us!  Thank you for praying for us!  Thank you for believing with us!   We are grateful!   

We would love for you to continue praying with us!  Here is the biggest thing on the horizon:

*Jon’s 6 month MRI is THIS MONDAY, March 24^th at 8:00pm.  (well, about 10 days shy of 6 moths.)  His neurosurgeon successfully remeoved 95-97% of Jon’s tumor.  Our prayer is that the remaining 3-5% is exactly that – still at the 3-5% size.  Better yet, let’s pray that it’s gone!  :)  What we do not want to see, is any growth.  If the tumor has grown, Jon will have to start Radiation.  Would you pray with us that Jon would not need Radiation?  Would you pray that the tumor has not grown at all?   We have an appointment with Jon’s neurosurgeon on Thursday at 2:45pm to get the results.  I will keep you posted!

Since I'm boldly asking for continued prayer, would you pray with us for a few more things?  :)

1) Please pray that Jon's face continues to heal.  Pray that his face continues to move more and more.  We are so grateful for the movement that has begun.  At the same time, we are praying for full restoration!  Would you join us?

2) Pray for our kids.  They have been such troopers during this whole process, but I know it has taken its toll on them.  Jackson internalizes.  Taylor is overly-emotional.  Jackson says everything is "fine."  Taylor says she just wants "her old daddy back."  Some days I think they need counseling.  Other days I think I should homeschool them and just love on them all day long.  Then I wake up and realize I'd be the worst home school mom ever.  So I consider the counseling route again.  ;)  Honestly, they are doing really well.  And the average person wouldn't even notice a thing.  But I know them.  And they sometimes "leak" a "neediness" that wasn't there before.  Would you pray with us for them?  That they would feel God's continued love and presence in every area of their lives?  

Thank you for continuing to walk this road with us.  You have no idea the comfort that comes in knowing we are not alone – but are surrounded by incredible men and women who love us and care enough to pray for our needs.  We love you and thank Jesus for you! 

Hope.

"My hope is built on nothing less than...."  Hmmm....  My ability?  My connections?  Getting my way?
I have to tell you that today was Jon's big Doctor's appointment with the Neuro-opthemologist at UCI.  One we have been anticipating for a long time.
Did we love and trust the doctor?
Yes!
Did we get the answer we had hoped for?
No.
Are we without hope?
No.
Why?  Simply because through this journey, we have found that if our hope is in... a doctor, a diagnosis, a hook up, an appointment... we will be devastated at every turn.  We simply cannot place our hope in those things.  We've tried.  It doesn't work.  Do we celebrate?  Yes.  Are we grateful?  For sure.  But we have been consistently reminded that our HOPE cannot rest on what is seen, but must rest on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.  (2 Cor. 4)  We choose to put our hope on what is unseen.  On God.  On the Creator of you and me.  The One who does not change like shifting sand.  Or like health care providers.  Or like Doctor's opinions.  Or like the good and bad news that rolls in and out on a sometimes daily basis.  No, our God is constant.  He is good.  He is provider.  He is sustainer.  He is gracious.  He is faithful.  He is sovereign.  He is peace and hope and love.  That is where and in whom we place our hope.

What's interesting is that I came on here to just give a re-cap on our Doctor's appointment.  And then what came out of my typing fingers was that.  Hmmmm...  Friends, what's more important than you knowing about Jon's appointment is you knowing that God is good.  It's you and I knowing that no matter how much our circumstances change, God does not.   And that His goodness and power and sovereignty is not determined by what our circumstances look like.  Juggling thoughts on God and doctors and modern medicine is a tricky thing.  Around Christmastime, Jon shared on video with our church that he had realized he had inadvertently started saying to God, "Hey God.  If you don't heal me, I have a Doctor that will."  Somewhere along this road, he had taken his hope and moved it away from God's hands and into the Doctors hands.  And then when the Doctor said he couldn't help how we had expected, Jon realized the devastation he was feeling was because his hope had been hanging on the Doctor's words and ability.  Not on God's sovereignty.  It's those little "pings" in life that help get us back on track.  They help focus us.  They help remind us of who actually holds our future.  I'm grateful for those pings.  Those reminders.  Because although we walked out of today's appointment a bit shell shocked, we had not lost our hope.  We did not feel despair.  We are confident God is present and He is with us.  That is Good.

In our appointment with Dr. Crow, he informed us of 2 big things.

1) Jon is at risk of drying out his cornea.  This would not be good.  (huge understatement)  Jon needs to sleep with a special ointment in his eye every night and tape his eye closed - either under an eye patch or with gauze and tape.  Until now, Jon has been manually closing his eye at night and believing it stays closed all night.  Unfortunately, what is probably happening, is that his eye is "almost" staying closed.  So for 8-10 hours, his eye is getting dried out.  So he starts each day with major eye pain and it worsens as time goes on.

2) Jon needs eye surgery.  To protect Jon's eye from the air and debris, something needs to be done since Jon cannot blink on his own.  Until today, Jon and I believed getting a gold weight surgically put into his eyelid was the best solution.  This would allow him to blink!   We honestly were thinking we would be booking a "gold weight surgery appointment" today with Dr. Crow.  However, Dr. Crow informed us that yes, this procedure would help with that.  But it's kind of invasive.  They have to cut the eyelid back, do an incision across the lid, insert the gold weight etc...  He said all of this is fine and dandy if you are looking to have it in for the rest of your life.  But because Jon is only 4 months into his healing journey, there is still a chance that Jon's eye and facial paralysis could heal itself.  (This is always our prayer request.)  We will not know for certain until 12 months post op, if Jon's facial paralysis is permanent or if movement will restore.  If we did the gold weight and then his face restored, he would need to get the gold weight removed.  Thus, another invasive surgery to go through all those steps again.  Each time you do the surgery, there is more scar tissue, etc...  It's just not the best solution for a temporary fix - since we have 8 months of waiting left to do before we know what is permanent.

SO.  The Doctor said Jon needs to have Tarsorrhaphy.  Tarsorrhaphy is a surgical procedure where they partially stitch the eye closed. Meaning, they will stitch the corner of Jon's eye (the eyelids) together so it protects the cornea from air and debris and allows the eye to close more.  This is a temporary procedure and can be "undone" easily.  The ultimate hope would be that Jon's facial movement would restore and we could undo the Tarsorrhaphy when that happens and be done with it.  But if a year passes and Jon's face doesn't restore, we would then undo the Tarsorrhapthy and have the gold weight installed.  This basically is less invasive and would provide the protection needed so Jon doesn't lose his eye, while we wait to see if facial healing happens.  Wow.  A lot to digest, huh?

The neuro-opthemologist does not do this type of procedure - we would need to see an optical plastics surgeon to have this done.  There is a great one right in this same office at UCI, but yet again, we will need to "fight" our insurance to get it approved.  This journey has been one battle after another.  We press on!!!

Would you pray over these issues with us?
1) First and foremost, that Jon's facial paralysis would go away and full movement would be restored?
2) In the meantime, that our insurance would approve continued treatment at UCI?
3) That Jon's eye would be protected and his cornea would remain healthy?
4) That God would continue to sustain us?

And here's one more major one in a different area:

5) Jon is scheduled for his 6 month MRI at the end of next month.  (March)  This MRI will reveal if the 3-5% of the tumor that was left in surgery is dead or if it is still growing.  If it is still growing, Jon will start Radiation.  Would you pray that the little bit that is left is dead?  That right now, there would be no growth?  So that when we go in in 4 weeks, they say everything is good?

Thank you for walking this road with us.  I am starting to get the "EGR" feeling again.  (Extra Grace Required)  I feel like you might be thinking, "Seriously?? This journey is never ending!  I'm tapped out."  But I swallow my pride.   And continue to write.  Asking for prayer.  We are humbled by your support.

We are SO grateful God opened the doors for us to be seen today.
We are SO grateful to have received such trusted care.
We are SO willing to do whatever is best.  At whatever the cost.  Even if it means stitching Jon's eye partially closed for awhile.
Is it our first choice?  No.
Do we trust?  Yes.
Do we have hope?  Absolutely.

"I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name."

I Choose the Happy Dance...

So Jon and I got to put our mad "I Spy" skillz to the test today.  (If you missed my last post, just know that we are working overtime to develop a keen eye...)  ;)

So anyway, we went to the mailbox to get the mail...
And....

I Spy...

Ya.  I know what you're thinking.  I thought it too.  Letter from health insurance.  Bill from hospital.  Letter from insurance.  Bla bla bla.  I can't face that today.

Wait a minute.

Let me look closer.

I SPY...

YUP!  That first line says, "We are REVERSING OUR PREVIOUS DECISION..."

You know the eye specialist we were referred to at UCI that our insurance denied?  Well I've never been more proud to be an advocate for my husband.  They REVERSED their decision!!!!!!!   This is a HUGE answer to prayer.  This is a HUGE blessing!!!!   WAHOO!!!!  (Insert me doing the Happy Dance....  Doing the Jig... etc...)  Can I get a WOOT WOOT!?!??  This is GINORMOUS.  A door had been closed.  And it is now open!  God is good!!!  We are THRILLED.

Pause.
Open other mail.

The next letter?  It was another "Denial" from our insurance.  They are denying our referral to see the head of Neurosurgery at USC.  We really really REALLY need to see him.  He's the best of the best.  And they said no.  Ugh.  You know the 3rd  letter?  It was a bill.   Like, the kind of bill with a comma in the amount.  Another Ugh.  But what do we know about that 1st letter again??  IT SAID MY HUSBAND GETS TO SEE AN INCREDIBLE NEURO-OPTHEMOLOGIST!!!   APPROVAL!!!!  REVERSED DECISION!!!  FAVOR!!!

(Insert another Happy Dance!!)

Roller coaster.  High!  Low!  Hope!  Discouragement! Celebration!  Pain!

This trip to the mailbox was just a snapshot of the life we all live, right?  There is good.  And hard.  And overwhelming.  And exciting.  And blessings.  And on...and on....  And all these things exist at the exact same time.  Within the same day, or even same hour sometimes, we can receive a roller coaster experience.   That part is out of our control.  It's called life.  But what we can control is what we focus on.  What we allow to consume us.  Do we allow fear and anxiety and discouragement to rule our hearts?  Because they are ever present, waiting to settle in if we allow it.  Or do we allow goodness and blessings to transform us.  Gratefulness and gratitude is ours to feel as well... What do we choose?  Where we focus will drastically effect our level of joy and peace.

The reality is, it's not that the bill isn't overwhelming.  And it's not that the new "Denial" isn't going to require my time and attention.  It is!  But before I dive into any of that, I have to celebrate.  I have to acknowledge The Good that happened.  I need to take the time to do the happy dance.   A door was opened.  A prayer was answered.  Favor was found.  Blessing received.  I don't want to miss it.  I don't want to take it for granted.  I want to soak it in.  I want to have eyes to see it in its fullness.  Anyone can Spy what is wrong.  The hard.  The roadblocks.  That's easy to pinpoint.  Jon often reminds me that anyone can shoot down ideas in a brainstorming session.  That's the easy part.  It takes much more skill to be the one to come up with the ideas while brainstorming.  Similarly, I am learning that it takes a skilled Spy-er to see that even when there is a lot of Wrong, there can be Right too.  It just takes a trained eye.

So today I got the opportunity to test out my developing skillz.
Today I saw saw the good, the bad and the ugly.
And you know what I can't believe?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY REVERSED THEIR DECISION AND MY HUSBAND GETS TO SEE THIS DOCTOR!!!!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be over here doing the Happy Dance.

I Spy...

I've been playing a lot of "I Spy" recently.  No, not with my kids.  With God.  I know God is faithful.  I know He gives good gifts.  But right now our life is in a holding pattern.  We're at a stand still.  Jon's recovery is, well, stuck.  He has gone above and beyond to strengthen and heal what is in his control.  And he's been very successful at that.  His strength and determination and hard work has been remarkable.  What's left are the things out of his control.   We won't know where his facial nerve "lands" for a few more months.  We're waiting for insurance to approve the next steps.  He deals with daily eye pain that will hopefully resolve over time on its own or through surgery.  But right now, everything just is.  It is what it is.

Have you ever been in a doctor's waiting room for a really long time?  Let's be honest.  It sucks.  You get bored.  Then you get antsy.  Then you start counting the number of tiles on the ceiling.  All you have is what's in front of you.  The outdated magazines.  The pamphlets that tell you what you should or should not be doing.  The lame background music.  The window that shows another brick building next door.  Your mind is consumed with what will happen after your name is finally called.  The shot.  The drilling.  The diagnosis.  The opinions.  The answers.  The excitement of a prenatal ultrasound.  The dread of the root canal.  The results of the biopsy.  There is excitement.  And fear.  There is insecurity in the unknown.

Jon and I have been sitting in the waiting room for awhile now.  We've read all the magazines.  And the pamphlets.  We are doing exactly what they say.  We have studied every picture on the wall.  Sometimes we luck out and a song comes on that we love.  So we dance.  Then other times a different type of song plays.  And we cry.  We are hopeful.  We are expectant.  And we war against fear.  However, if we're not careful, we can let the room get very narrow.   Stale.  Small.  The sound of the second hand ticking from the clock on the wall gets loud.  Very loud.  So we have decided to start playing a game.  A game of "I Spy."  Searching for the goodness of God.  Searching for the blessings. Because they are there.  We just have to have eyes to see them.  They are there in the friends who stop by and sit with us in the waiting room.  The ones who drop off coffee.  The ones who pick up our kids for a play date.  The blessings are in the music.  Music stirs our soul.  Even the songs that make us cry.  The blessings are in the window.  Because if you walk closer to the window, you can see past that brick building next door.  You can see the blue sky peaking in the corner.  And birds flying.  Life.  And a rainbow, displaying promises of God's goodness.

Here's what we know:  We know that God doesn't waste our time.  And His waiting room does not exist as a torture chamber that we get to "grin and bare it" until our name is called.  On the contrary, He works all things together for good to those who love Him.  There is good that will come out of our time in the waiting room.  There is much to be learned here.  It is a place where He shapes us.  And develops us.   It's where we learn to live with our hands held open.  It's a place to rest.  To exhale.   It's also not void of blessings.  Nor is it void of God Himself.  He is here with us.  His goodness is on us.  We have just found we have to intentionally look for them.  We have to have our eyes wide open and focused.  Because if we wanted to count ceiling tiles all day, every day, we could.  But I think God has more for us than ceiling tiles.  He has more for us than ticking clocks.  And some day I will sit and write all that we learned from the waiting room.  But for now, I'm just content with playing a game.  A child's game.  A game that trains the young eye to not just see the big things right in front of them.  But trains the eye to seek out the interesting.  The colors.

I Spy with my little eye....
Will you play with me?